I gave my best...

I didn't really want to put the feelings of today into words. Because I can't. It feels really inadequate to try and summarize emotions that run so deep and have so many intricate layers to them. But it's not really fair to stay silent. For years and years I've shared my hopes, dreams, and aspirations and so there should be something to say when it all plays out, even if I'm left with a broken heart and a dream I fell inches short of accomplishing. I know that the reality is that when I wake up tomorrow this is going to be the conclusion of the story no matter how much I wish it wasn't. And I should tell it because even if it's not the outcome I wanted, it's the outcome I got. And even though that hurts, even though my heart feels broken into a tiny million pieces, I shouldn't shy away from that or hide in shame because I know I gave it my all.

The reality is I really did give my best. If nothing else I hurt so much because I know for darn sure that I jumped my ass off today. I took a crappy season and I made sure it didn't define in the least bit what kind of athlete showed up today. The girl on the runway today was the person I knew I could be, and the athlete I've been looking for for quite some time. It was the second furthest jump of my life and the farthest I have ever jumped in any major competition. I jumped a distance that would have put me on the Olympic team the last two times around. It just so happens that I was part of one of the best Olympic Trials long jump competitions ever. The ladies in front of me had massive personal bests and all of us in places second thru fifth had the longest jump for that respective placing ever.

I will always and forever be grateful that I showed up today and put my years and years of preparation on the line. I was a competitor and there wasn't one second of the competition where I backed down from that. I will never regret having this goal and giving my all to it, even knowing now that I would ultimately fall short. Even though the pain is real, and it is deep, I know it was the risk I took for laying it all on the line and asking something of myself that is hard as hell to achieve. But being heartbroken doesn't take away from the journey, it's just a part of it I was hoping to not have to experience. I am not the sole author of my story, and I have to trust that it is all part of His purpose. I am responsible for my labor and not the fruits of my labor and so my job was to give my all… to give my very best and let Him use that. And so I did that, and through my tears and my heartache that is my offering of praise and thanks.

Thank you for letting me share this story with you. I wanted more than anything to be an Olympian and to have that be my story, but it's not. My story is that I'm an Olympic hopeful. And that hope fueled a dream, created my desire, transformed it into will, and produced a drive in me that made me who I am today. It just didn't make me an Olympian. But I am still super proud of who it did make me and the work I've put in trying.

The Road to London

Today I finally get my opportunity to lace up my spikes, step on the runway, and really get this party started. I'm excited. As the sign in the picture says, "The Road to London starts here." It's been a long week of patiently waiting and putting the finishing touches on starting on that road that I've spent years preparing for. The majority of people in the stands tomorrow might not be all that excited to see me out there, but there are about fifteen people who made the trip to Eugene especially for me to be my support and my cheering squad. And they are the best support group a girl could ever ask for. I am thankful and beyond blessed to have such amazing people in my corner who love and support me and who might even call in some favors to the Big Man to have the wind behind me push me a little further into the pit. And there is also YOU. Some who I know personally and some who I don't-- who visit my blog, read my ramblings, and allow me to share a little piece of my journey,--you are special to me. Thank you for letting me know that you care because it's a source of inspiration even when you may not realize it. Thank you for following along in this journey… cheering me on… sending well wishes… and most importantly, thank you for your prayers. I told someone the other day that I may not have the most fans, a ton of endorsements, or anything like that, but I truly believe that I have some of the most fiercest prayer warriors out there in my corner. That motivates and inspires me like no other because I believe in the power of prayer and the strength that comes in knowing that God has a specific purpose and plan for my life these next couple of days. He's already ordered my steps and `given me all the ability I need. That calms my spirit, builds my confidence, and allows me to compete with joy in my heart because I know it is a blessing to be able to do my very best as an offering to God.

So, here is to following your dreams with all your heart and doing your very best because that is all there is to do. I am excited to see where the road will lead.

In Eugene

I will be spending the week in Eugene, waiting for my opportunity to earn my spot on the Olympic Team. Being here for a whole week is a great thing, but it comes with it's own set of challenges. You can feel the excitement, cut the electricity with a knife, and feed off the emotion that surrounds you. But at the same time you have to be careful. You don't want to expend all your energy throughout the week and then find yourself depleted by the time it comes for you to compete. You don't want to stay on the Olympic "high" for too long, because it can literally drain you. Everyone prepares differently for big meets, and I can't tell you that I have found the perfect formula, but I do know that I have had the blessing to experiment in years past and find out what does and doesn't work all that well for me. Of course at the time I didn't know I was experimenting, but because past experiences can be our best teacher, I have learned over the years what kind of person I am not and shouldn't pretend to be.

My lessons:

*Don't be a social butterfly: I have been in the sport for so long that I know a lot of people. I have many friends that are competing, half the coaches I have worked with at some time in my career, and there are a ton of people to air kiss with and make small talk. But it is hard to be "on" all the time. I have chosen to not stay at the athlete hotel so that I can make sure I keep my time more to myself and that I don't feed off of others emotions too much. People are having their highest highs and their lowest lows this week, and I don't want to join them for either. The hotel lobby at meets is an experience in and of itself, and the Olympic Trials just exaggerates this. I have my own little studio where I can eat breakfast in solitude, and I don't have to be reminded every waking second of all the hoopla that is here.

*Know who you are: I remember back in 2004 when I was a competitor at the Olympic Trials, I made the decision to be super focused and serious, and I played that role the whole week before I competed. The problem? It wasn't me. I see athletes that do this… they walk around with a scowl on their face and it's as if they look right through people because they don't notice anyone or anything, they are that focused. So I tried to be that person because I figured that's what you are supposed to do when you are really serious about what you are trying to do. But it takes far too much energy to be something you're not and when you spend energy "trying", it doesn't work. I need to enjoy what I'm doing. I need to have a smile on my face during my warm-up and laugh if someone says something funny. I need to acknowledge people who say hello to me and wish me well, because this is who I am. I feel most confident when I am excited and relaxed.

*Believe your toolbox is full: Have you ever tried to cram for a test? Stayed up all night trying to learn things you didn't bother to learn throughout the semester? It sucks and it's not a very good way to prepare for something important. It is easy to get to this point and start to worry about all the things you still need to improve and technique you wish you had. But at this point, as my college coach would so eloquently tell me, It is what it is. I am not going to improve physically any more these last few days and I can't waste precious energy worrying about all the things I wish I did better or try and learn something I haven't quite been able to in the last four years. At this point the best thing you can do for yourself is trust in your toolbox and believe wholeheartedly that your preparation for this moment is enough. Celebrate what you have and forget about what you may not have. It can't help you to worry about anything at this point, so don't. My body is as healthy as it is going to be and so it is healthy enough. My technique is as on point as it's going to be, and so it is great. And so for the million and one times I am going to be asked over the next few days "Are you ready?", my answer will continue to be a resounding YES.

Worth It

This year I have done a lot of visualization and I have learned to embrace it as an important part of my mental training. When I first began, I had the hardest time and I felt like I could never keep my mind locked in on one thing or experience images vividly enough for it to be helpful.  But as with anything else, practice makes perfect--or at the very least it will make you not suck at it.  One of the visualization exercises I do involves picturing myself achieving my biggest athletic goal and experiencing how it feels to have already achieved that goal. I see myself in that place, down to the expression on my face, the tears in my eyes, my body posture, and what is running through my mind.  I picture the people around me and how I interact with them, and the congratulatory responses from all my friends and family.  I do my best to make that moment as real as possible, so that I get to the point that I feel as if it's really happened.  Every time I do this exercise it brings me to tears…but they are tears of joy.  I cry from sheer happiness of actually feeling like I accomplished my goal, and that's when I know I'm visualizing right. And then I ask myself one simple question…

Was it worth it?

And then I become even more emotional. Without a doubt the answer is yes and there is a deep satisfaction in experiencing what success will be like. Now I take the exercise one step further and I let my mind retrace all the steps it took to get to my moment of greatness.  The successes, the failures, the times of self-doubt, the voices of all the people who said I should have given up and moved on by now, the moments I am most proud of--all of it.   My career has been a pretty long one so this part of the visualization process can take a while sometimes. But what I do is work my way backwards and look at my journey from the vantage point of having made it to my destination and all the steps that led me to my achievement.

What I am seeing is my magnificent view at the top of my proverbial mountain and then letting myself remember the grueling hike it took to get there. And when I look back at my climb up--when the path seemed too steep but I kept on going anyway… or the times when the path came to a dead end and I had to search for another way…or even when I was knocked all the way back down to the bottom and had to go back and start from the beginning… I see my journey through the lens of where it has brought me and I know that I am so glad that I stuck with it. This exercise has given my mind a path to follow and made the outcome of all my hard work very real to my brain. It feels like my reality and all I need to do now is go out and have a deja vu experience.

Part of achieving your goal is actually being able to show that you accomplished what you set out to do. But the other part of attaining, the part that completes the magnificent view if you will, and even contributes to it's magnificence, is what happens to you on the inside and who you become. And that's the part that happens through the dead ends, the falls, and all the times you will yourself to continue. When you do this visualization exercise right, you see the whole picture and you appreciate your destination even more because it is firmly connected and intertwined with your journey.


*I wanted to elaborate on some of the specific experiences and memories that I remember during this trip down memory lane but this blog has gotten too long already, so perhaps you can look for it later this week in another posting. I don't know if anyone else would find it as interesting as I do, but at the very least it's a good snapshot for anyone who might be interested.

Remembering the FUN

When I started out in this sport years and years ago, I chose what events I did based on one important thing. Was it fun? Fun for me does not involve pain so that cut out any events over 200 meters, and left me with the sprints and the events where you sprinted and jumped at the end. The funnest event of all though, was always the relay. Your sprinting with teammates. If you do a sport where you have teammates you work with all the time, you might not quite understand the rarity of this and what a nice added dimension it can add to your experience, but believe me it does.

All these years later I still love what I do, but there are times when I forget to have fun. When I go through slumps… or have a string of bad competitions that make me start to worry how I'm going to make ends meet… or start putting ridiculous pressure on myself based on outcomes, it makes it a little difficult to remember to enjoy what I'm doing. I forget to have my fun. I've started this season off doing my best to hold on to that feeling. I mostly make my living in the sandpit now, but once upon a time I was a decent sprinter. More importantly though, sprinting was fun to me. And truth be told, I find it easier to have fun doing things that don't determine whether I have rent money or not sometimes. So this year I've started off my season running two 4x100 relays and a 100 meter race just for fun. It's been great.

The following video is from our 4x1 relay at Florida Relays. My team is in lane 5, team BoogieFast (don't ask). I am the second leg, in all black. It's a little difficult to pick me out which I think is more reason to make sure I wear my socks this season. Blending in is no fun. :) We came in 2nd, but I really think we would have won if our third leg hadn't slowed down half way thru her turn because of a hamstring problem.

Watch more video of 2012 Florida Relays on flotrack.org

My First Week...

My first week in Daytona Beach, Florida was probably not the norm and was perhaps not very indicative of what my time here will be like. There was the whole issue of being homeless when I arrived, the fact that there were an extra 500,000 inhabitants on Harley's zipping past me, and the sad realization that I hadn't yet found a convenient Starbucks location close by, that all probably contributed to my feeling of unease. Slowly but surely though, I find myself settling in. I will have a lot more time on my hands here in Florida than I did in San Diego. At the training center, we made training a full time job and I would oftentimes be up there from morning till evening, taking my time fitting everything in and with no real reason to finish quickly. Out here I am finished by early afternoon every day and that leaves a whole lot of extra hours to try and fill. I don't really have friends (currently accepting applications) and this city is not very action-packed after the bikers leave, but the beach is two blocks away from where I'm staying and that is one very big positive if I can find myself a large enough shade umbrella. Here is what my first week has looked like though…

Bike Week:

I rode on the back of this bike and saw all the craziness first hand. It just so happened that on my shuttle down from Orlando I was chatted up by two seemingly normal bikers who agreed to be my buddy for my first few days in Daytona and happened to be staying in the hotel right next to mine. It was kind of a cool experience.

The Beach:

The beaches here are actually really nice and the sand is so hard packed that we even did a workout on it on Saturday. I have a feeling I will be spending lots of my free time here.

Reading:

As of right now I don't have cable or internet unless I can steal a weak signal from the neighbor. So some of the time I would normally be wasting rotting my brain is spent reading in my backyard. It's actually not so bad, and a very new experience to even have a backyard!

Most important though, is that I feel incredibly affirmed that I am in the right place and am doing what I am supposed to do out here in regards to my training. It may take a little while to feel part of the group or to not look like a lost puppy during the warmup that is very unfamiliar to me, but I feel good about where I'm at and what I will be doing. That is what matters most.

Un-scratched

Earlier this week I made a decision not to compete at our U.S. Indoor Championships this weekend in Albuquerque. I had done a handful of indoor meets that had not went very well and made a decision with my trusted advisors that it would probably be best if I just started to focus on the outdoor season and work on figuring out some kinks that had reared their ugly head during my indoor campaign. If you don't agree with my rationale for this decision that's totally fine--you probably aren't one of my trusted advisors but you are entitled to your opinion! I believe the reason for me competing at an indoor championship would be because I feel I'm capable of making the Indoor World Team. That requires a top 2 finish and an A standard qualifying jump. Neither of those seemed to really be on my radar.

Yesterday, however, I changed my mind. I was in the middle of a jump session at practice and I got upset. The problems I've been having have mostly stemmed from an inconsistent approach and my inability to really lock down my rhythm that I need to consistently get to the board in the right position. Without getting into too much technical mumbo jumbo, it has been throwing me off big time. It is really hard to be a competitor when you are doing too much thinking. I need to let my mind go blank and allow my body to do what it knows how to do…except my body has suddenly developed amnesia. But yesterday? Yesterday, I forced it to remember. In the middle of doing approach work I just started jumping. Keep in mind I don't ever do full approach jumps in practice. But honestly, I had nothing to loose and I had everything to prove…to myself at least. I kept jumping until I jumped what I knew I should be capable of jumping at this point of the season. And then I called it a day, re-booked my ticket, found a hotel room, and asked my manager to un-scratch me from the competition.

What I need to accomplish is back on my radar. So, I'll see you in Albuquerque.

Don't Be Sorry...

There is no denying I've had a rough start to my 2012 season. I mean…I could deny it, but too many darn people know how to use the internet these days. Unfortunately this past weekend in New York was not the turnaround I had hoped for and after the meet I was just so darn frustrated that I was forced to do the only thing that made sense at the time…devour a cheeseburger, fries, and milkshake.

(sidenote: This random, hole in the wall, total dive of a place was located inside the uber-swanky Le Parker Meridian Hotel that we were staying at. It was literally hidden behind a curtain with no markings at all besides that tacky florescent hamburger with an arrow. All they served were burgers, fries, and shakes. Perfect. Why it was there, I have no idea. But seriously, one of the best hamburgers I've ever had.)

All jokes aside, it's a tough place to find myself in. I have big plans for this year and I know that the task in front of me is no easy one. I had hoped to start off strong this indoor season and continue to build on that foundation. But four meets in and I'm not anywhere near where I should be. Earlier today I was speaking with a trusted confidant about what my results were in my last few competitions and how New York capped off a completely lackluster indoor campaign. He responded with…"I'm sorry."

And as much as I wanted to go there...feeling sorry for myself, allowing my frustrations to build, beginning to get down about the state of my season thus far... I won't. So I told him the only time you need to say sorry is if I wake up on July 2nd and I'm not an Olympian. That's my goal for this year, that's what I write down each and every day when I wake up and before I go to bed to remind myself what I'm working towards, and ultimately that's all that matters to me in 2012. Yes, I want to do well during my competitions in February. Yes, I want to feel confident in my training and preparation thus far in the season. But if that's not what I'm experiencing, then I'll use this feedback to make the changes I need to make. But I won't be sorry. And neither should you...

Quick update...

For some reason, my friends and family just don't seem to think that a quick status update or a tweet contains enough information about the happenings of my competitions and experiences in Europe. They really can be quite demanding of me sometimes. So, to update them as well as the rest of y'all, here is a quick recap of my life over the last couple of days...

*my forehead still hurts and there is still a noticeable lump. (see blog below for further information.)

*I competed in a small competition in Linz, Austria last night. The good news is I won. The other news is all my jumps were just consistently average... but the good news in that is that they were consistent. I'm working hard on finding the silver lining in things these days. Most importantly though, is that I enjoyed myself competing and I know that ultimately I'm ready to jump far once things start timing up better, which would be awesome if that could happen Sunday.

*I landed in Russia today for a competition on Sunday. All I want to share about the trip so far is that it is -20 degrees outside. Please make sure you grasp the negative I included there. We walked outside the airport because we were told the van was "pulling up" and it didn't actually show up for 5 minutes. I learned a couple things--leggings might as well be fishnet stockings for all the good they do to combat weather, and the $50 coat I bought that seemed like it was really warm, is probably missing some of the material that makes coats functional in weather like this. I was seriously debating doing jumping jacks or high knees in place to keep warm. It's two hours later and I'm still shivering.

*the show I downloaded on my iPad for this trip is called Downton Abby and I'm hooked already. This has been the highlight of my trip since it's too bloody cold to walk outside and see the sights.

Thats it for now. Please continue to pray for me...

2012 is HERE!

I wish I had more things I needed to write the date on. I remember being in school and always screwing up the date for the first two months of the year change until it finally stuck. Of course I don't want to go back to writing essays, but you get the point. I also have no idea where my checkbook even is so that wouldn't be a date writing option either. But regardless of my inability to practice writing the date, if there is one thing my brain knows, its that 2012 is here. And there is no way I'm forgetting it.

The crazy thing about 2012 is that it's ALREADY here and it's FINALLY here, both at the same time. I remember how I felt four years ago, thinking to myself how far away this year seemed and how I wasn't sure I had four more years in me to try again to accomplish my goal. Now that it's actually here, it's crazy that I'm not waiting for it to get here anymore.

I think one of the hardest things about having the goal of "being an Olympian" is that in my sport you only get that opportunity one day every four years to try. That's it. In essence you are working for 1,459 days straight so that you can have the opportunity to do your best on day 1,460. And while you may do a lot of other great things with the four years in between and accomplish a whole bunch of amazing feats, you're still keenly aware of that ultimate goal you hope to accomplish.

I know everyone has goals…dreams…aspirations…desires…hopes…what have you. Some people get day after day to try again to accomplish theirs, and others may never really have that chance. For myself and for this particular goal I have been waiting since 2008 for it to be 2012 so that I can put everything I have to give on day 1,460. That day is now just around the corner.


2012 is here. I'm excited.

2011 Recap

At the beginning of 2011, I made a conscious effort to spell out my goals in black and white for the whole world to see. As I sit here on the last day of 2011, I thought it would be important to revisit my list and see how I fared. (You can click on the section titles if you'd like to read the goals in their entirety)

My professional goals:

-Be a consistent competitor (read: pep talks and new PR!)
-Have a successful Outdoor National Championships. (read: nationals recap)
-Perform well at the World Championships in Daegu. (read: the start of world championships)

Grade: D-
I must say that I didn't do so hot on my professional goals this year. Yes, I jumped far…further than I have ever jumped in my life and that is a total positive. But, I don't think I made consistency my middle name this past year and I definitely screwed up at Nationals which prevented me from even going to Worlds. That was a HUGE disappointment.

My spiritual goals:

-Complain less. (read: answered prayer)
-Give more. (read: high school track)
-Stay focused on what's important. (read: an offering)

Grade: B
I definitely think that this last year I have experienced a ton of spiritual growth and that has allowed me to really have a better perspective on a lot of things. I definitely have given more in time, talents, and treasures and I feel good about that. I'm headed in a good direction. I am not a perfect angel, but I can spot a faint halo in picture at times.

My relationship goals:

-Ask God to continue to work on the woman that I am, so that someone will want to catch a grenade for me. (read: coincidences)
-Be nicer to people. (read: encounters)
-Learn to love. (read: true love)

Grade: C+
Ok…so nobody has actually volunteered to catch that grenade yet, but I do think that God has worked on me this past year. More than anything He's made it clear to me the kind of relationship He wants for me and I'm content to wait for that. I also make everyone I go on a date with to take the love languages test so that I can be aware of their love language. :) Outside of my romantic relationships, I have become nicer. I hope.

Overall, I'm wouldn't say that I accomplished everything I wanted to this past year, but I like the idea that I can see quite clearly where I made improvements and where I need to work even harder. Most of these goals will probably be making a reappearance this coming year, and hopefully by this time next year I can give myself some better grades. :/

Numbers Don't Lie

This weekend I went to Vegas. You might be waiting in anxious anticipation for photos to appear documenting the wild times to be had in such a city over Halloween weekend, but I'm sorry to say that I have nothing to share in that regard. To be fair, I'm sure the city was quite wild and in my younger days I would have loved to be right in the thick of it, but while my signs of aging don't take the form of grey hairs or sagging chins, they definitely are starting to reveal themselves when I think of having to miss out on sleep, listening to music entirely too loud, and aching feet for no good reason.

But I wasn't in Vegas to party so I felt okay being the Grandma. A group of athletes and coaches were there for the annual USATF jumps summit, and one of the things that stood out to me during a particular presentation was the idea that what we are doing on the elite level of our sport is trying to achieve performances that are on the edge of human achievement. We are trying to accomplish things that are pretty much the best of what is capable from a human being at this point. At the very least we are trying to accomplish better marks than anyone competing in this day and age-- sometimes it's hard to compete with the 80's. So, instead of hitting the strip, I studied numbers. Specifically all the numbers I need to change so that I can be a better jumper than I was last year, and do everything I can possibly do to be a better jumper than anyone else lacing up their spikes this season. And because i know you're dying to know all this crazy, exciting information is that I was dissecting, I'll share a little bit with you.

I need to elongate my 2nd to last step by about 0.2 centimeters… (Some of you novices thought all I needed to worry about was hitting the board, huh? I wish.) When I correct these stride length issues in my last few steps while I am running as fast as I possibly can, I need to figure out a way at takeoff to be on the board approximately .04 seconds longer… After I actually leave the ground, my vertical velocity needs to be at least 1 meter per second more than it currently is… This will hopefully cause my angle of takeoff to increase by 7-10%, which will make my center of mass travel of further distance, thereby making me a phenomenal jumper. The end.

To me, this is great news. I know. I have real data telling me what I need to do to be the best. When I wake up every day and go to practice I have clear objectives in mind on what I'm trying to accomplish and work towards. Of course I don't have the time (nor do you probably care to read), explaining how I go about trying to fix my problem areas, but this is what you focus on when you are concerned with the difference between eating from a cereal box and being on one. ( <--- stole that last line but I sure do love it!)

Four Years Later...

This is an anniversary blog of sorts. Four years ago I started a blog. You can read my very first entry here,, in case you are curious and you don't happen to be one of my five original readers. I introduced myself and shared why I wanted to document such an important time of my life. 2008! It was an Olympic year and my dream was to be an Olympian. I wanted the opportunity to not only share with my friends and family what the experience was like for me, but also give myself a way to remember. The plan was for the blog to have a years worth of memories detailed and documented, and it was all going to culminate in me making the Olympic Team. The End.

If it were only that simple...

Four years ago I thought I was closing in on the defining moments of my career. I felt that my time had finally come and that I had grown enough and learned enough to be the athlete that I always knew I could be. Thank God it was happening at just the right time because as we all know, getting the opportunity to become an Olympian doesn't happen very often. But as most of you probably know, my story didn't end up as I had planned it. Instead of having my defining moment, I had surgery. Instead of making my way to China wearing USA proudly on my chest, I sat around for four months in my friends guest room and tried to figure out what else to do with my life. I had planned on using this blog to document my journey to the Olympics in 2008, but instead I had to settle for documenting my life as it actually happened.

It's crazy to read that first entry from four years ago and see myself right back in that same place. It is the start of the 2012 season and I am still documenting my journey with the same goal in mind. It is an Olympic year and I want to be an Olympian. I want to share with my friends and my family what the experience is like for me, but now I have a lot more friends who are checking in to see what the journey is all about. Mostly I want to give myself a way to remember. If I have learned anything over the last four years, it is that the journey is what matters most of all. Sure, I'm still just a girl with a dream and an incredible goal that I believe in, but the woman I have become in the last four years is so tied up in the journey I've been on. Luckily for me I have a lot of it documented here on the pages of my so-called fabulous life. (Lord knows I have an awful memory.)

So, here we are four years later. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

The Search

My life is in a bit of a funk right now. Sometimes I feel like at the ripe old age of 31 I should have it a little more together and not feel so behind the curve. But I don't. It's frustrating to feel like you know exactly what you want and purposefully be looking for it-- with your list of perfect features, your non-negotiables, and what you just know in your heart will make you happy and content--but you can never seem to find it. More than anything I want to feel settled. I don't want to feel like I compromise too much simply because it feels like I'm running out of time and the ticking clock keeps getting louder and louder.

If you are curious, here is a short list of things I think are important to me…

*Appearance: I don't need jaw dropping, but I would like to be impressed.

*Personality: I'm a little unique and quirky, so I kind of think I need the same.

*Location: Not too close, but not too far away so it's inconvenient.

*Size: Of course that's relative.

*Respect what I do: I will be here for 9 months, and then I'm going to be gone for what I hope to be the most important summer of my life. Flexibility is the name of the game.



As with most things in life, I guess I'll just know when it's right. But in my heart I'm hoping for the fairytale…that butterfly feeling you get immediately deep in your gut when you just know that the search is finally over.

Seriously though... I really hate apartment hunting.

:)

The Start of World Championships

Can I be honest? I've been a little sad and dejected these past couple of days. My event at World Champs starts tomorrow and here I am sitting on the couch eating bon bons for breakfast. Of course that's not true…but only because I forgot to buy some when I was at the store. The truth is, I had been on my emotional rollercoaster over the summer season but when i returned home from Europe I had made peace with the idea that my season was probably over at the beginning of August. I was looking forward to spending time with my friends and family and having some summer left to enjoy stateside. And all that happened and I was in a good space. But then I started reading articles about the championships, and seeing pictures of the village, and reading everyone's tweets about the buildup to competition and it hit me. Hard. I'm not there but I should be.

I feel like the girl sitting at home the night of her prom while everyone is out having the time of their lives. Except this is not because anyone didn't invite me, because being able to go was purely up to me.

Despite all these depressing emotions, I feel like it's a good thing that I care so much and I do plan on watching as much of the event as I can over the next week, whether it stings a little or not. Disappointment can be a great motivator. I want to make sure I use this fuel all next year so that when it comes time to secure my spot for London, I am fully committed and capable of doing what I need to do so that I'm not sitting at home stuffing my face with bon bons when I should be representing my country on the biggest stage possible and proudly competing to the best of my ability.

Until then, I need to make a quick run to the store...

End of Season

I'm back in the good ol' U S of A now and my trip home signifies the end of the 2011 season for me. I'd like to say I went out with a bang, but the truth is it was more like a handheld sparkler than a fireworks show. The reason for that is nothing more than the fact that I was at the end of a five week span that saw me do 10 competitions in 7 different countries. In fact, during one eight day time period I somehow fit in four competitions. To say the least, my body was understandably wiped out. That is not the type of schedule you would draw up for peak performances, but it is the kind of schedule you make work when you know that these five weeks will be the last opportunity you have to go out and work for a very long time.

What I will say, however, is that I left Europe far better than I arrived--and that is true in both performance and attitude. I came to Europe probably in the best shape of my life and I couldn't do anything with it because mentally I was still the #1 guest at my very own pity party. But thankfully, I realized soon enough that that party was a real drag. Truth be told, if I could have stayed in Europe another month and done 10 more competitions I totally would have. Athlete's always like to say how they can't wait to come home but home for me right now doesn't seem all that great, and the gelato isn't nearly as good. Over the years I have really come to appreciate competing and living in Europe and all that being away from home has to offer… for the most part. There are a few things, however, that I am glad I will not have to deal with for a while.

Here is a list of my top 10 things I won't miss.

10. Lukewarm drinks. Nothing is cold and ice doesn't exist… so there you go.

9. The worst internet connections. Ever. There were literally times I would wait 15 min for a page to load.

8. European breakfast. Scrambled egg soup, hard bread, and mushrooms?! Eww. In fact, at one hotel this was ALL that was offered. And yes, you could bounce that roll off a wall.


7. Siesta time (in some countries) during the day and Sundays when all of civilization just shuts down. I'm used to what you want, when you want it, mentality. If I forget to eat lunch before 13:00 (that's 1 for the yanks) or don't go to the grocery store before Saturday, I end up with starvation as my only option.

6. The non-existence of lines. We are not a herd of animals and I stick out like a sore thumb, so please get behind me and wait your turn.



5. Cold, rainy weather. It's summer, but the majority of time I got ready for competitions dressed like this..



4. Smoking. Everybody. Everywhere

3. Sandwiches, especially when that is the only thing offered at airports. Hard bread, one slice of the most thinly sliced meat you can imagine, and butter.

2.
Beds not made for full-sized human beings and put so close together that you should be married to the person sleeping next to you, but instead it's a person who doesn't speak your language and prefers to be a nudist all day. (sorry…can't include picture of nudist)


1. The Euro. And all other forms of currency I encountered, that put my measly American dollar to shame and forced me to dread conversion calculations.


That being said, the things I actually enjoy and appreciate about being able to live and work on another continent would make a much longer list than this one. I'm bummed to be home, and I am even more bummed that it is going to be many, many months before I get to compete again. But, everything happens for a reason and I plan on making the most of my time off. Mostly eating.

My First Street Meet

Let's get the important details out of the way…

I chose Eye of the Tiger.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to make sure you visit my Facebook fan pageonce in a while because there are times when I really could use the help of the masses. Like when i am trying to remember songs I like or convincing my mother black people don't like exploring the wilderness as much as white folks do. I digress. In reality, a more appropriate song would have been "Singing in the Rain", even though I wasn't singing and even though that song is not in the least bit motivational. The part that makes it relevant is the rain, and it's the only song I can think of with rain in the title. And if the song happens to mention cold temperatures and a nasty side wind, it would have been that much more appropriate on Saturday.

I don't know what it is about parts of Europe, but they refuse to have Summer. When we were competing they told me it was 10 degrees. I had to find someone who remembered how to do the calculation from Celsius to (stupid American)Farenheit (read: found someone with an Iphone) to find out that was a blistery 50 degrees. And did I mention the rain and the wind?!! Oh yea, lovely jumping weather.

Beyond that though, I was determined to have fun. As soon as I heard that there was a street meet for long jump in Germany, I begged my manager to change my plans and send me there instead of Budapest, which was on the same day, even though I had been wanting to visit Budapest for ages. I had been to a couple of these street meets with my pole vault buddies this summer and they were just so much fun. For starters, you are the only event and so everyone that shows up is there for you. Did I mention I do long jump? We don't ever get attention like that. There is usually a dj involved, hence me picking a song to jump to. Oh.. and beer is also often present, which adds to the festive environment and makes it enjoyable to the crowd no matter if you jump far or not, because they're basically at a party! I'm telling you… it's a blast.

As you might have guessed, I didn't actually jump far. Nevertheless, I'm glad I went. These are the kind of meets that remind you how fun this sport can be and makes you appreciate that aspect of it. Next year, I will be back, and I plan on bringing the sunshine with me.

Does this look appropriate for late July? I literally put on every item of clothing I could, and I still was freezing. Maybe it's because I'm from California.


Our competition site... so cool!!


The "thanks for coming" gift was a 2 liter beer. Gotta love Germany!

My Time in Italy

I've been a busy gal. In a period of 8 days, I competed 4 times and 3 of those were over 5 days. Is that a recipe for peak performances and stellar conditions? Probably not. But I have been down that road this season, where you carefully plan out everything to a T, make sure you are getting the proper rest and recovery, eating your brussel sprouts, and ensuring your body is primed for optimal work. And as any quick internet search will tell you… it didn't work out so swell for me. So I tossed that plan out the window and decided to have some fun and eat a lot of pizza. And also try my best. As I wrote in my last blog, I really feel like I came to a point where I turned my brain around, so to speak. And ever since then I have been approaching this work in a different light. Do I take it seriously? Yea, to an extent. But there comes a point when you realize that they won't be taking you off the wait list for the Diamond League meeting in Monaco, when you have to look at the options you do have and make the most of them.

After I jumped in a small meet in Bottrop, Germany last week I headed over to Italy for three small competitions. If you know me, then you know I love me some Italy. I get to eat to my hearts content, drink an insane amount of cappucino's, and shop. Finances precluded me from doing too much of the latter, but the eating and drinking I did in abundance. Here is me in action over the last week...


A picture I took on the way to Pergine, Italy. Sometimes you stumble upon some of the most gorgeous places when you travel to these small meets. People in Italy didn't even know where this place was, but I'm glad I got the chance to visit.


I finished three books this past week. And when I read, I drink cappuccinos. And when I drink cappuccinos, I need a brioche to accompany it. necessity.


I had this exact same thing for lunch four days in a row. I was concerned that perhaps a person shouldn't consume that much pizza, so I made sure to balance it with a salad.


Lignano, Italy used to be my base in the summer. But as you can see, it's way more fitted to feeling like vacation than it is to training, which is why I now base in Germany. While I was here though, I decided to make the most of it!


Oh how i love gelato! And oh, how my tummy does not. Didn't stop me though...


What is so great about going to smaller meets, is that you feel like the big athlete. Fans in Italy are great... all the people want your autograph and to make a photo with you. It's nice to feel appreciated and to get a small dose of the Usain Bolt treatment. :)


Even though I was enjoying my time to the best of my ability, I still won 3 out of the 4 meets. Maybe if I had cut back on the gelato and pizza I would have won the fourth as well... but then I would have missed out on the gelato and pizza... hmm.

An Offering

Give the act to me.
Purged of hope and ego.
Fix your attention on the soul,
Act and do it for me.

from "The War of Art"
-Stephen Pressfield

The following is an excerpt from an email I wrote to my best friend Friday morning while I was on the train headed to a competition...

... I just finished that book and while some didn't resonate completely, the last page totally did. Do your work as an offering to God. Not for any other reason or to gain anything from it. I do my part and He does His. And after I'm done with my part, I don't worry about it. The fruits of our labor are not what we have control over. He's given me these talents and this purpose and my job is to do my very best and leave it at that. Oh how simple and yet complex. I don't know... That's just what spoke to me based on what I'm dealing with right now. Life is so complicated, hard, unfair, stressful...but it's really not. I just make it that way. I care so much but maybe I'm caring in the wrong way...

I wanted to share that bit of personal correspondence for a few reasons. For starters, it's very honest. It wasn't written as a blog post I wanted to share with people and make sure was worded just right or had some deep insight attached to it. Also, it was written before my competition. So, in hindsight I can tell you the difference it made in my soul and not just have this break thru moment after I happened to have a good jump on friday.

This past month has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions for me. But I feel like since I read the last page of that book I've turned my corner. And whether that turn continues to produce good jumps or not is inconsequential in terms of the bigger picture. It's centered me again and reminded me of what I believe in my heart to be true.

I believe very strongly about the purpose and meaning of our lives and what we are supposed to do with our gifts and talents. As I grow older, it becomes so much clearer to me... And yet. And yet I still lose sight of that when I hold on too tightly to the fruits of my labor. I don't leave everything on the field, so to speak, I hold on to it and let it validate things that aren't true. And I begin to let the emotions of all of that get the best of me.

I know plenty of people might not agree with these sentiments completely. You can be a professional athlete and be motivated by fame or fortune or even certain accomplishments that you believe will define your career. But for me, even though I don't think I necessarily need to let go of my goals or aspirations, I want to operate from a place of feeling like I'm giving back to the place where the gifts came from. An offering. I want to let go of my ego, do the work to the best of my ability, and give it back to Him. The idea of that makes me happy and feels me with a deeper joy than I have been experiencing as of late, and for that I am grateful.

Pep Talks...

I'm not gonna lie… this last week has been tough. I know the protocol was to get up, dust myself off, and get back on the horse, but that's not what I felt like doing. I felt like curling up in a ball with a stash of bon bons and an endless supply of wine. Yes, I was telling myself that there was no way to change what happened, and now all that was left to do was go out there and jump reaaaaallly far, because I'm still an amazing, awesome, fabulous-- and every other positive adjective you could possibly think of-- athlete, but those little pep-talks were not really making much of a difference. On the outside I felt better, and by the time I got to Europe I had stopped wearing sunglasses inside and could even manage a laugh or two if the joke was funny enough. So, I went to my first competition physically feeling fine and thinking I could overcome this disappointment by hurrying up and piling good competitions on top of the memory of my last not-so-good one.

But emotionally, I just wasn't in it. My first meet was awful. All I ended up really doing was pouring salt in an open wound. The sunglasses went back on.

If I'm being honest, what happened last weekend shook me up a bit, confidence wise. I hate to admit that, knowing that confidence is such a huge component of doing well in this sport and allowing yourself to succeed, but it's the truth. And so when the questions start coming… and when you have a mind like mine they come fast and furious much like a firing squad… I didn't really have an answer for all of them and I started to panic. I know as well as anyone that being successful is as much a mind game as anything else, and basically I just failed that test after working so hard to try and be where I needed to be.

I know I might seem like quite the drama queen for those of you who don't live this life or have a hard time grasping where my over the top emotions are coming from. But I felt like I gave everything I have, and I failed. And because the idea of that hurts so much, it's really hard to turn right around and give 100% of yourself right away again. Maybe it's like the time you got your heart broken by a guy you were totally in love with and you told yourself that being in love again wasn't worth it if heartbreak felt that awful. Hopefully more people can relate to that one. Or maybe I am just a drama queen.

But of course I'm still waiting for my prince charming. And hopefully I'm also ready to compete to the best of my ability as well. Slowly but surely my self pep-talks are taking hold a little more and at my last meet I felt slightly more like myself. I jumped 6.70 in Russia, and while it wasn't an awesome competition, it was a little more enjoyable than the last time I suited up. (read: I didn't dash home from the meet, snatch up a McDonalds happy meal so I didn't have to go to the meet dinner, and cry myself into a shriveled raisin in the bathtub.) I pray I'm taking steps in the right direction, otherwise this month will be hell.

By the end of this summer maybe I'll find the amazing, awesome, fabulous,--and every other positive adjective you could possibly think of,-- athlete I'm supposed to be. The truth of the matter is, I got to my fork in the road when I was supposed to go right, and ended up going left instead. So this is my new journey and I've got to make the best of it. No matter what, not making the World Championship Team is going to be a huge source of disappointment for me as it was always my main goal for the season, and nothing is really going to replace that, but I'd prefer the last few meets help that wound heal and make me stronger and wiser, instead of continuing to pour salt. Shoot, and maybe I'll fall in love too. Let's dream big…