Frustrated.

I usually really like blogging. I get a little excited when I experience something and then immediately think to myself, I’ll blog that later. But right now…not so much. You see, I was really looking forward to having some interesting and exciting news during this time, what with all my travels and competitions that I had on the schedule, but now I find myself back in Tucson an entire week earlier than was planned and I’m quite frustrated. And to be honest, I really don’t want to blog about any of it because I know that I’m a little too emotional right now and a tad bit angry. And scared. And upset. And discouraged. And depressed. And nervous. And shoot, I really could go on and on about all the different emotions I’m feeling but the point is, I really don’t have a handle on any of them. I kind of feel like just screaming into a pillow and eating a whole pint of ice cream. But I’m lactose intolerant so that’s really not a good idea.


Anyway, my knee is freaking me out. And maybe it would help once I actually figure out what exactly is wrong with it, but it seems to just be falling apart at the seams and when I think it’s one thing, it will just morph into something else. But I really can’t even comment on the specifics of it all because I should probably wait for a doctor to determine all of that. I tried to give it 8 whole days of absolutely no work. If I could properly express to you just how hard of a task that is for me, maybe you could understand the will power it took. Even the one day I tried to jog lightly on a treadmill, because I felt something I immediately stopped. And in a weeks time it actually calmed down and felt like a normal knee again. I was relieved. I warmed up for the meet and I could run normally without favoring it I thought, and when I went to jump it felt sturdy. Hallelujah. But about half way through the competition I could feel something. And because I was in no way pleased how the previous jumps had turned out, I was hoping that it would stay strong and let me try and pull it together. But it did not. It freaked out and all of the sudden it just completely gave out and was the most excruciating pain ever. I wasn’t even in the middle of a jump; I was just trying to loosen it up.

And so for the last 24 hours I have been hobbling my way back to Arizona. And that is a big deal. I don’t ever forego competitions, especially when that means a non-refundable $2500 plane ticket and a last minute $900 ticket home. Yes, there are more important things at stake than plane tickets, but understand how the mere thought of that made me cringe. But when it came down to it, I did not have a choice. I knew I needed to be home and figuring out how to get a handle on this. Being half way around the world with a bum knee does not do me any good. I know some people will wonder why I tried to jump in the first place. That’s just me. If I think I am ok, I go for it. And I really thought I was ok. There are times when decisions like these don't even need to be put in my hands, because everyone knows what I will say. I am a competitor to the very bone and so it's hard for me to not try.

So please pray that I figure this knee problem out and that it’s not too serious. I can’t afford to continue to not train. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t prepare the way I want and need to. I feel so utterly helpless because all I want to do is to be able to be out there getting faster and stronger and I’m stuck. It’s the most frustrating feeling. But I realize I could be getting a tad bit ahead of myself and the whole pessimistic attitude that I am choosing to embrace might not even be necessary, but you really can’t convince my brain of that right about now. So I’m just sharing what I feel because that is the whole point of this blog anyway. And if I come back two days from now and realize that I totally overreacted and things aren’t as bad as they seem or maybe I’ve realized I really need to get a grip on my perspective on things, so be it. On second thought, that would actually make me happy. Because if I am forced to accept some other type of news, I really am not sure how to go about dealing with that.