Sunday, June 22, 2008

Clearing my Head

This is just a forewarning to all who read this little blog here…I suspect that for the next couple weeks I will be all over the place. I can also tell you that all posts will more than likely be labeled “track”. So if you are a new visitor or only stop by in the hopes that a bird pooped on my head or I have an interesting story about all the dates I’m NOT going on, you’ll probably be slightly disappointed. For all the rest of you who want to see just how self-absorbed and narcissistic I can be, please tune in. (I also hope that by admitting this little tidbit, you’ll be less inclined to point it out to me in a very condescending way.)

Anyway, I am finding myself to be a bit of a basket case lately. The one thing I’ve learned about myself in the past year is that I am much better off getting things off my chest and out in the open. So I will be using this blog a bit like a diary…just one that you all can read too and give feedback if you’d like. Positive preferred.

One of the things that I am grateful for in my “old age” is that I have a much better grasp on what the wrong type of thought processes are. I can be somewhat of a negative person when it comes to performance and expectations and I am extremely hard on myself. But I have learned how inhibiting that can be and have worked hard at becoming more positive and focusing more on the process of things instead of the result. If you think that seems like something so easy to grasp, live a day in my head and you will have a better understanding. Shoot, if I had written a blog during any other year besides this one, it would probably be a best-seller on teaching athletes how not to think. But I have learned, through much trial and error, that my mind has been my biggest enemy. So more than anything I have worked on the space between my ears this year in a very major way.

But, whatever. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? This year is stressful and these couple of weeks is beyond describable. I have come to understand how I need not to always focus on results but I find that very hard to do when all I have before me is Olympic Trials. It just doesn’t seem to hold true in this instance. Especially when I have such little time left. The “process” needs to be dang near perfect or else I’m going to freak out just a little bit. Which is exactly what I did on Thursday. I had a practice that was just really not that great—in fact I think my exact words to my coach at the end were “I SUCK!!!” as I flung sand into the air. I wasn’t jumping far and I was irritated because whatever good I could have extracted from that practice seemed to pale in comparison to the frustration I was feeling.

So that’s basically what’s going on with me – emotions on steroids. Everything is heightened and I am just trying to keep a handle on it all. I have worked too hard this year to be ready in all aspects that matter. I know that the setback I experienced screws with me sometimes but I need to be stronger than that. And I think I will be…as long as I’m able to vent and get it all out before it settles.

So there you go…what I’m thinking about at 1 am. Did I mention my sleep patterns are all wacky too? Don’t be surprised if you check my blog and I have written 4 entries that day. Or none. Although I doubt that.


t.v. said...

Finally... after months of trying to get a peak into "your journal" you're finally letting it "all" out. lol. Anyway, all jokes aside.

Nuff power to your overactive mind, and to your wacky sleeping hours, but most of all more power, faith and confidence to your Olympic Trial quest.

Continue to do your thing!

brit_brat said...

Pray, meditate, have a drink(or two, or three) or do what I think helps me forget the negative and perk myself up: watch something really REALLY funny! I could be in the middle of a break down, turn it to Kathy Griffin and automatically my spirits are lifted. You need endorphin's girl! Lifes natural pick me up!
I love you. Stay strong and calm.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you the best with everything!

Brianna said...

we are SO sisters! after I had my breakdown thursday night i watched 2 back to back episodes of her show.

brit_brat said...

great minds think alike!
I absolutely love her!

Anonymous said...

when things breakdown, they are rebuilt, and 9 times out of 10 they are rebuilt even stronger. With all of us regular readers in your corner...nothing is going to stop you.

keep your head up and keep jumping. it will be all good...not only because I'm saying it...but because it was meant for you to be in Beijing on the team.

take care.

Brianna said...

sometimes i read comments and i kick myself for not starting a blog 5 years ago! you guys are the best...