Saturday, October 11, 2008

Paranoid

I’ve only been here a week. One week after months of thinking that I wanted not to be an athlete any longer. But now I do. I really, really do. I am head over heels about my coach and my training situation and for the first time in God knows how long I feel like I’ve found the right combination. I didn’t realize I would feel so at ease in such a short amount of time but I totally do. And besides every muscle in my body screaming out in agony and being sore in places I didn’t know could even get sore, everything seems great. Better than great…FABULOUS. Until today.


When I was stretching last night the range of motion seemed a bit off around my knee and when I looked down I could swear that it was a little puffy. But maybe I was just paranoid. An old injury will do that to you. All that time I spent ignoring the red flags and signals that told me something was wrong with my knee taught me to be extra precautious now. I asked one of my training partners this morning if she thought my knee looked swollen before we worked out. Maybe a little, she said. So I went through my workout being totally conscious of whether or not I felt anything. I didn’t. But at the end of practice I still asked my coach…”Do you see anything different between both of my knees? He examined them for a second and said he didn’t really see anything. So I decided it was nothing and proclaimed myself a little anxious about anything and everything having to do with that darn knee. So then I lifted, and finished my work for the day. I hopped out of the shower and looked down at my knee once more and I didn’t need to ask anyone—the darn knee was swollen.

So I went over to see the doctor on-site. He’s not an orthopedic surgeon but he does have a specialty in sports medicine so I brought along my notes and post-op pictures from my surgery last year. I explained what happened then and what was done, how my knee didn’t really hurt now but it was still the same knee that is now swollen for some reason, and asked him his very doctor-ly opinion. And he gave it to me. I didn’t like what I heard. Not one bit. You see, I still have this hole in my cartilage and supposedly this small defect is not holding up well to the rigors of training. It’s not hurting yet, but the swelling is indicative of the fact that it’s not happy in there. I chose Option B when given the opportunity to fix my knee before the Trials because that was the only option that allowed me a chance to be ready on time. And now it seems that I might have chosen wrong. Well, not wrong per say because I would have chosen to have a chance 10 times out of 10. But now he is telling me in his doctor-ly opinion that it looks like I will need Option A after all if I plan on doing what I do for a living. (If interested, google Microfracture). And the healing time is not weeks…it is months. According to him, six of those bad boys.

I don’t know what this means. He’s not a specialist and next week I plan on talking to several of them. I want opinions from the best people I can find and I want them to tell me that the knee will be ok on it’s own. And I know that I shouldn’t be paranoid yet. But I am over here fighting tooth and nail trying to keep my calm and keep the worrying at a minimum. I know there is no use getting worked up for nothing. It’s possible it could be fixed with a bag of ice and a few Advil. Or not. And I am having a hard time getting the or not out of my head. I can’t quite explain the myriad of emotions and thoughts running through my brain and I probably shouldn’t even try because there is no use giving them life prematurely. But I have decided that I want this chance so very badly. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with that and admit that but now I have wholeheartedly accepted it. I want to train hard. I want to get sore and complain about how horrible ice baths are. I want to learn more than I ever have. I want to compete and finally be the athlete I’m supposed to be. So I’m just praying right now that I get that opportunity.

12 comments:

Jasmine said...

Breathe. Breath again. Deeply.
It's okay, God is in control. We've been praying for a sign. And while I don't think this is it--at all--I do know that it'll lead you to where you need to be, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I LOVE YOU!

Jon Lustig said...

I grew up around a lot of orthopedic surgeons, so I'm very aware of what that very bad word means. I also know that something like this could be your body reacting to a previous surgery, which can sometimes happen a lot later than you think it should. When you were admitted to the program I'm sure that a lot of very smart people went over your medical information. If they considered what you're afraid of to be likely or even probable, I can't imagine they wouldn't have asked you to follow up on it. Anyway, as you say the decision you made five months ago was no choice at all, so it's good you don't think of it as one. Whatever you learn next week, the important thing is to remember that you know you are where you are supposed to be, and that you know how much you want to be there.

Erin Michell said...

I'm sorry that your knee is not functioning the way you want it to. Trust in God and continue to work hard on and off the track....God will work everything out, even if you're not sure how! If being an athlete is what you want to be...go with it until the wheels fall off. I'm sure everything will work out in your favor. Good luck with your training......

k. carli said...

Bri---I am going to stand with you on this in prayer and believe the report of the Lord. God does ALL things well and ultimately I know you want what He wants. Until we realize what His report is, we will stand and believe that everything is going to be alright with a little intensive therapy and careful training. Keep us posted and choose to focus on things that are of a good report!

Blessings,

Kinta

brit_brat said...

maybe you just have one 'civilian' knee and one 'athlete' knee. it could happen. one of my boobs is bigger than the other and I'm ok with that.

Brianna said...

thank you for the kind words and prayers y'all...and brit--thanks for the laugh!

Bianca said...

Bri, there is no other place for you to be. You are going to thrive there and this season is going to make you into a better athlete... come what may.

Brit, get a blog. You're hilarious.

Bianca said...

PS Last week at church the guest pastor made us repeatedly say the following that I pass along to you:

Worry about nothing. Pray about everything.

It's been my mantra all week :)

Ehav Ever said...

I know the feeling. I have recently been injured a few times in martial arts training, and I know that feeling of hoping something isn't as bad as it could be. I pray that you are able to overcome and move past whatever the prognosis is.

Anonymous said...

maybe your knee is just getting fat on that side

miles per death said...

I tore an achilles. I healed it. You got the poison, I got the remedy. If you're not afraid

miles per death said...

I tore an achilles. I healed it. Some say that never heals. You got the poison, I got the remedy. If you are not afraid to pass the inertia.