Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Gamble

It’s been a little longer than usual between blog posts for me and for that I apologize. There are a few reasons for that, the obvious being that my mind has been a bit one-dimensional as of late and since I’ve already wrote one blog post on that I decided to not bore you with another one. Suffice to say I’ve been having serious one on one time with my knee on a continuous basis. I ask it how it’s doing every 2.5 seconds and it responds, oftentimes in ways I wish it wouldn’t. Nevertheless, we have become closer than ever over the last few days and I hope that we have come to understand each other a bit more. I’ve asked it for a bit of a favor. I have come to understand… after talks with multiple doctors… that more extensive surgery is a definite must if I want to avoid arthritis by the time I’m 40. Except in the case of divine intervention (which is a total possibility), this is what I have to look forward to in the very near future. The point which my knee and I have to be in agreement on is how near is near.

The doctor agrees with me that the decision would be much easier if I was 22. At that age I have many years ahead of me and the whole dynamics would be different. But you guys already know my story. I pretty much lost last season and this surgery at this time would mean there is a very good chance I would lose this season as well. We all know I ain’t the spring chicken I used to be! There is a good chance that my best years are ahead of me but there is no telling just how many of those years I have left. I desperately want this season. I feel like I need it more for my head and my heart than I do for careers sake. And all of that plays a part. It’s a surgery that needs to happen and sooner is most definitely better than later, but at this point it’s not absolutely necessary NOW.

So basically it’s a gamble. A gamble that right now I’m leaning towards taking because looking at all factors involved, it’s what I feel most comfortable with. I realize that it can (literally) blow up in my face, but honestly the consequence of that isn’t much worse than what it would be if I did something now. And if I make it through this year I will have surgery right after it’s over, regardless of what the future holds. I plan on being an active senior citizen anyways. But for this year I feel like I belong here and I haven’t lost that feeling. And I could be wrong, or the purpose could be different than what I thought it was, but that’s life.

Just the other night I read a verse in my bible that summed it up for me.
Psalms 62:8 Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
And it just put me more at ease. I know God knows my heart and even though that doesn’t mean I’m going to get exactly what I want, when I want it, it does remind me that I need to just trust him. I really didn’t understand why this had to happen now, why I couldn’t catch a break and get a bit of breathing room and it was really getting to me. But I’m just supposed to trust God anyway. And I’m trying. I will continue on with confidence until I’m shown that I’m supposed to do something different. But I’m not going to let it keep me down in the dumps. Right now all I have is a swollen knee that hurts a little bit…life could be worse.


Dana said...

I have concerns for you that I'm sure you've thought about, but they (the thoughts) instantly came to mind when I read this post. Looking at short-term vs. long term - yes, short-term it'll set you back, but what are the long-term benefits? I know you're a little older than 22 and you have big dreams for yourself...and you only live once - BUT, is having arthritis and any other ailment related to your knee really worth the risk? Age creeps up on us...just yesterday, I was 16 and now I'm two months away from being 28! I'm totally not trying to kill your dreams or be a nay-sayer or anything like that, I'm just concerned that you're favoring short-term benefits and not the long-term effects. Like you said, it's a gamble - one that may or may not be worth taking. I obviously don't have the answers b/c I'm not God or psychic, but I do hope that you think a little more about things before totally ruling surgery out at this time.

Brianna said...

@ dana...i totally understand what you are saying. what i meant to convey is (and reading it over i see that i didn't do a very good job) that having the surgery now versus having it in nine months won't really make that big of a difference. it's really about my knee holding up for nine more months and allowing me to do the things i do. now if it doesn't hold up, that's not really going to make the surgery i need or the condition i have significantly worse than what it is right now. the defect gets larger over time but in the course of nine months, even if it grows slightly, the same procedure will be done to fill it in. what could happen is possibly like what happened last year--when i can't continue any longer and I had other small pieces of cartilage that broke off and made my knee lock up or it starts swelling so bad and being extremely painful that I can't bear it. Those things, however, are not necessarily making the real problem worse. At least that is how I understood it but if I hear something different then maybe that would change my mind and course of action.

Jon Lustig said...

Bri, not absolutely necessary is good to hear. I'm not sure this is the right time for making this decision though. Simply put, you probably have a pretty good idea by now of how long you'll need to train before you're capable of hitting peak performance. After that time has passed, you'll have to ask yourself if your knee is giving you what you need in order to perform at your best. If it ever occurs to you that the answer to that question is no, then you'll need to decide whether you're really okay with that. For now, we all hope you'll never have to ask yourself that last question. So good luck in your training.

kiemie said...


I'm pulling for you, girl! Do what it is that you need to do and take it day by day. No hesitations, no regrets. Good luck, and I'll see you in Eugene!

Shayne Sterling said...

If I was in your situation I would most likely tough it out almost regardless of what I was told so I could make the most out of that experience and opportunity. From what I read (and correct me if I am wrong) the surgery is going to happen anyway so why not roll the dice for something you love to do. But that might just be me and my personality.

The one question that would possibly change that decision for me is if the healing period would be any shorter now than later on.

I agree with Kiemie to ride out the chula vista wave and take it day by day.

Bianca said...

Bri, I've been without the internet for the last couple days so this is the first I've heard about this.

1. Why didn't you mention this when we spoke?
2. I'll pray for you.
3. I love you.

Jackie E. said...

Hey Brianna, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I hope and pray that you will make it through next season and be able to compete in the way you and I both know you're able. I'm back now so I'll give you a call soon. And oh yeah, you're right, why did they put us in The Atlantis this year and not last??:)