My knee fund

When I called the surgical center to make my appointment for my knee procedure, the scheduling lady asked me when I would prefer to come in. Yesterday, I quickly responded. Of course yesterday was no longer available and the quickest they could get me in was Tuesday afternoon. So Tuesday it is. I will be fixing the bare minimum and hoping that I can get by on that. Thank you once again for all the prayers and encouraging words and please keep them coming.

If you pay close attention to the changes and additions to this page, you might notice that the section that used to be called “Brianna’s Bound for Beijing Fund” has been slightly altered. I wanted to take a quick second to explain why. There have been a few people that have donated to my fund in the past and I am truly grateful and appreciative. I always make sure the donations go strictly to track-related things and are a direct assistance to helping me achieve my goal. I don’t want anyone thinking they are helping me buy a plane ticket to the Trials and it ends up they are increasing my already ridiculous shoe collection. But at this present moment I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place and because there have been a few people that have mentioned wanting to contribute some time in the near future and maybe some that have thought it silently to themselves, I figured I might as well put it out there that if that future was possibly now, it would be more help than you know.

I haven’t had health insurance in over 6 years. And it just so happens that last month I signed up for it and breathed a huge sigh of relief on my way home from Jamaica when I realized I would be able to see a Doctor and get my knee taken care of properly. Well there was a glitch and suffice to say health insurance companies are not in the business of being extremely helpful and accommodating. After paying for an MRI I was hoping it would straighten itself out in time for this procedure but it has not. So it all has to come out of pocket. And since I am not able to compete it means I am not able to bring money in. Of course I need my knee fixed as soon as possible, there is no question about that. Whatever debt I have to go in to make that happen is a sacrifice I’m willing to make, but of course with debt comes stress. So that’s my rock and hard place.

In reality, it is still my Bound for Beijing fund because I need to be healthy as soon as possible to give myself a fighting chance. And I’m really not seeking out large donations. Think of it as me being one of those kids that comes to your door trying to sell you a magazine contribution or oversized and overpriced candy to help pay for their summer camp. My summer camp will just be on Chinese soil. Of course I don’t have magazines or candy to give you in return, except maybe if you want one of the few SI issues I have left.

And perhaps this goes without saying, but this is such a hard thing for me to even put out there. Maybe that only holds true if you actually know me, but it’s a known fact for those that do. I try my best to be independent and figure things out on my own, but I guess everyone gets overwhelmed at times. Regardless, I know that things will turn out ok. God always has a way of providing no matter what and my own life has always been a testament to that.

Happy Mother's Day

On Friday I had flowers delivered to my house and the delivery lady quickly exclaimed “Happy Mother’s Day!” as she handed over the bouquet. Well, either she had the wrong apartment or she just made an assumption because of the date and the fact that the other 5,385,976 deliveries she had that day were for mothers. Turns out it was the later. The flowers were for me, but definitely not because I was a mother. But it was at that exact moment that I realized I had let the holiday escape my consciousness over the last few days because of everything my mind has been consumed with, and I had not sent a single thing my Mom’s way. A terrible daughter…I know.

I figured the least I could do for now is offer up a public statement of my love and appreciation for the wonderful mother she is and has always been. It has been only recently when I began to understand the true sacrifices she made for us, the struggles of a single mother trying to raise two healthy and happy children on her own. I just hope to be a true testament to the job she did.

Mom, I am blessed and grateful to have a mother like you. And who knows, perhaps I’ll send some flowers next week when the prices go down…we really should celebrate Mom’s on more than one day anyway. :) LOVE YOU MOM!

It could be worse...maybe

"What I would recommend is for me to get in there, remove the floating piece of cartilage, and then try and repair the defect cartilage by poking holes in the bone and letting scar tissue form. This will probably put you out for about 6 to 8 weeks. ...What do you have coming up?"

I shook my head in the negative, unable to actually utter words. I know this doctor knows who I am and what I do, so 'what I have coming up' is probably about the most ridiculous question someone could ask me. I motioned for my friend and my coach to speak for me, because the enormous lump in my throat was not budging. Nikkie quickly pointed out that the Olympic Trials were at the end of June, a mere 7 WEEKS away. Perhaps now you can see why 6 to 8 weeks does not work in any shape or form. My coach quickly asked for another option. And I knew in my heart that there had to be another option. Because I know I’m not done. This can’t be it for me, and without the opportunity to go to the Trials, that’s essentially what I’m being told. So I waited to hear something more. And what he had to offer was doing the scope of my knee to remove the floating piece and merely smoothing the edges out of the defect part. This will only be possible if he gets in there and sees that the damaged area is not much larger than 5mm, as it seems in the picture. Any bigger would pose a problem. This, he said, would only put me out for 2 to 4 weeks. Not great, but not the end of the world.

So now I’m just going to seek out another opinion or two and hope for my insurance to kick in so I can take care of this as soon as possible. I know it could have been worse, and so I’m thankful that I’m at least left with some hope. I have so little time left that I feel as if every second counts and I don’t want to waste any of them if I don’t have to. I’ve been sitting out two weeks already so I know that getting prepared for the end of June will be a challenge. But I’m not scared of challenges, I only want the opportunity.

EDIT: I just want to thank whoever sent me flowers and chocolates this morning...not only for thinking of me and doing something so unbelievably sweet, but for being thoughtful enough to include CHOCOLATE! You must know me so well! And even though you didn't include your name so I could thank you personally, I hope that you read my blog so you realize how much I appreciated the kind gesture.

One day at a time

I had my MRI today but I won’t know my results until tomorrow afternoon (Thursday). I must admit I’ve been kind of a wreck. In my whole career I’ve never really had any real injury that I’ve had to deal with so this is all unchartered territory for me. Not to mention the extremely bad timing. I’ve broken down on more than one occasion…I know the people at Walgreen’s were a little weirded out by the crazy woman limping around totally blubbering. I inspect the swelling of me knee about every hour to see if I can notice any change. I’ve researched every knee ailment known to man and figured out the severity of them all as well as what the projected healing time is. Basically, I’ve done a lot of worrying and a lot of what if’ing.

But yesterday I came across something in my devotions that I’m really trying to hold on to. It talked about living one day at a time and not wasting time worrying or being anxious about tomorrow. It is comforting to know that whatever tomorrow may hold, He holds tomorrow. That really spoke to my heart.

So today there were no tears. I’ll admit, there were some choked up moments but I allowed them to pass and I tried not to get caught up in worsening my situation for no reason. Today I merely tried to deal with the present and when tomorrow comes, I will have the grace to deal with whatever it brings my way.

**A sincere thank you for all of you who have commented, texted, emailed, and called to send your best and remind me that I am in your prayers. I truly appreciate it.

Polo Ralph Lauren

As I mentioned earlier, I had put off writing about this experience until I could include pictures. Well it turns out I could have just googled myself and found plenty of pictures already on the web! A quick search produced stories on nydailynews.com and the Daily Herald, among a plethora of other news sites and blogs. But because I’m sure you’d rather hear the rundown from my perspective, complete with a few of my “behind the scenes” photos, I will give it to you now.

Polo Ralph Lauren was chosen as the designer responsible for outfitting all of the Olympians this summer in Beijing. This includes both the opening and closing ceremonies as well as 22 days of lounge wear to relax in around the village. In order to reveal these designs to the public and the media, Ralph Lauren chose a few Olympic hopefuls as their models. Well I just happened to be one of those athletes. In all, there were four of us. U.S. Olympic team boxer Deontay Wilder, Giuseppe Lanzone, a member of the U.S. Rowing Team, archery athlete Joy Farhenkrog, and myself. Word on the street was that we were hand chosen by Ralph himself, but of course that could just be a big, fat rumor. The only reason I even get slightly excited about the thought of Mr. Lauren giving my picture a big thumbs up is because the photographer told us that Ralphie called him personally the night before to ask him to be the man behind the lens. He almost thought it was a prank and was a bit surprised himself. So I figured if the man handpicks his photographer, perhaps he picked us as well. I’m honored either way.

The shoot took place in New York at the Ralph Lauren studio. It was an all day affair as these things usually are. They wanted to get a bunch of different combinations of athletes as well as all the different looks they have created. The clothes are great…definitely preppy, as you would guess anything Ralph Lauren to be. I saw myself heading out to play cricket or having afternoon tea. Lots of white…lots of crispness, just a very refined look. Even my hair and make-up was very subdued. I came to the shoot with just mascara on and the makeup artist informed me I was wearing too much of it. Definitely my most understated look that I've ever done. I guess "fabulousness" is not the look they were going for. I figured I would include this picture of Giuseppe just to show you that sometimes what you see in magazines is not always the perfection you think it is. I guess our "athlete" bodies might have been a little larger than the sample sizes they brought? I'm not sure...either way I thought this picture of the back of his shirt was hilarious.




The pictures will be used in press kits and press releases as well as the cover of Hamptons Magazine. It will be the August issue I believe. Of course I will tell all my friends and family members who have subscriptions to the mag to definitely save me a copy. I probably won’t make it out to the Hamptons this summer, since I plan on being busy in China and all. In all seriousness though, it really was a great opportunity and a tremendous honor. I've done my fair share of being an athlete posing as a model this year and these are experiences that don't arise that often for most people. Imagine the difficulty I'd have trying to book a print ad for Ralph Lauren on my own? They'd be like, come back when you grow 5 inches and lose 20 pounds. And it's not like I'm a superstar in my sport, I'm just a girl with a goal trying to make it a reality. And to be honest, taking pictures has made it that much easier to obtain my goal from a monetary standpoint and I am extremely grateful for that as well.

Frustrated.

I usually really like blogging. I get a little excited when I experience something and then immediately think to myself, I’ll blog that later. But right now…not so much. You see, I was really looking forward to having some interesting and exciting news during this time, what with all my travels and competitions that I had on the schedule, but now I find myself back in Tucson an entire week earlier than was planned and I’m quite frustrated. And to be honest, I really don’t want to blog about any of it because I know that I’m a little too emotional right now and a tad bit angry. And scared. And upset. And discouraged. And depressed. And nervous. And shoot, I really could go on and on about all the different emotions I’m feeling but the point is, I really don’t have a handle on any of them. I kind of feel like just screaming into a pillow and eating a whole pint of ice cream. But I’m lactose intolerant so that’s really not a good idea.


Anyway, my knee is freaking me out. And maybe it would help once I actually figure out what exactly is wrong with it, but it seems to just be falling apart at the seams and when I think it’s one thing, it will just morph into something else. But I really can’t even comment on the specifics of it all because I should probably wait for a doctor to determine all of that. I tried to give it 8 whole days of absolutely no work. If I could properly express to you just how hard of a task that is for me, maybe you could understand the will power it took. Even the one day I tried to jog lightly on a treadmill, because I felt something I immediately stopped. And in a weeks time it actually calmed down and felt like a normal knee again. I was relieved. I warmed up for the meet and I could run normally without favoring it I thought, and when I went to jump it felt sturdy. Hallelujah. But about half way through the competition I could feel something. And because I was in no way pleased how the previous jumps had turned out, I was hoping that it would stay strong and let me try and pull it together. But it did not. It freaked out and all of the sudden it just completely gave out and was the most excruciating pain ever. I wasn’t even in the middle of a jump; I was just trying to loosen it up.

And so for the last 24 hours I have been hobbling my way back to Arizona. And that is a big deal. I don’t ever forego competitions, especially when that means a non-refundable $2500 plane ticket and a last minute $900 ticket home. Yes, there are more important things at stake than plane tickets, but understand how the mere thought of that made me cringe. But when it came down to it, I did not have a choice. I knew I needed to be home and figuring out how to get a handle on this. Being half way around the world with a bum knee does not do me any good. I know some people will wonder why I tried to jump in the first place. That’s just me. If I think I am ok, I go for it. And I really thought I was ok. There are times when decisions like these don't even need to be put in my hands, because everyone knows what I will say. I am a competitor to the very bone and so it's hard for me to not try.

So please pray that I figure this knee problem out and that it’s not too serious. I can’t afford to continue to not train. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t prepare the way I want and need to. I feel so utterly helpless because all I want to do is to be able to be out there getting faster and stronger and I’m stuck. It’s the most frustrating feeling. But I realize I could be getting a tad bit ahead of myself and the whole pessimistic attitude that I am choosing to embrace might not even be necessary, but you really can’t convince my brain of that right about now. So I’m just sharing what I feel because that is the whole point of this blog anyway. And if I come back two days from now and realize that I totally overreacted and things aren’t as bad as they seem or maybe I’ve realized I really need to get a grip on my perspective on things, so be it. On second thought, that would actually make me happy. Because if I am forced to accept some other type of news, I really am not sure how to go about dealing with that.

Single in the City

I don't do blind dates. I just don't envision high rates of success for such things. I'm way too picky and I have a hard enough time finding people I might be interested in so it’s hard for me to put much faith into someone else being able to get the job done. Besides, I am most definitely a person who reacts to chemistry and this has proven to not bode well for 'good on paper' guys. Don't get me wrong...I'm not exactly filled with pride over some of my dating history but it is what it is. You've gotta be able to feel 'it', and there are not too many people out there that give me that feeling. But never say never, right?!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was in New York for a couple days in an attempt to become the next Giselle. It was supposed to be a quick turnaround trip with little to no free time but I ended up staying an extra day in order to not make unnecessary cross country flights. That gave me an extra day in the city with absolutely no obligations. I spend enough time in Tucson hanging out by myself so I really wanted to be able to socialize but none of my acquaintences came to my rescue. Not like the list was terribly long, I really only know 1 1/2 people, but you'd think it wouldn't be so difficult to find some company. Not the case.

I ended up texting a friend in the area to see what he was up to and asked him if he'd be able to find me a hot date for the evening. I was actually 99% kidding. Sure, the idea of eating alone or odering room service was not that appealing, but atleast I know my own company is enjoyable. And if I was really that hard up I'd probably have more luck accepting the advances of one of the strangers I'd met on the street that day while I was out walking around. By the way...men in New York are far more complimentary than men in most other places. Has anyone else found that to be true? And not just your annoying catcalls but genuine comments. Even my hotdog vendor said he had a thing for me. New york is great for the confidence!

But after some joking around back and forth I finally became convinced that it might not be that bad. He assured me that he was a good guy and not bad on the eyes. He rattled off a bunch of positive attributes, so much so that it reminded me of an ad you’d place in the paper. The only thing he forgot to mention was that he loved long walks on the beach and romantic candlelit dinners. And he actually had decent stats. He was black, white, and native american—which in my mind can never produce an ugly outcome. He was tall…a good build. If nothing else, eye candy right?! In fact, he actually said he resembled Jason Taylor a little bit. Hold up…not the only reason I have even watched an episode of Dancing with the Stars Jason Taylor? Do not play with my emotions! But in my head I’m thinking it is highly doubtful that there is another human being roaming the earth that is as beautiful as Jason Taylor who happens to be single and a friend of someone I know. But even if he’s a bad version of J.T., that still might not be half bad. Besides, it was just a meal, not an arranged marriage. So I gave him the thumbs up and told him to go ahead and make the match but only if the guy didn’t think it was weird and/or desperate and he wasn’t busy.

But he WAS busy. And all the sudden I found myself being slightly disappointed in something I initially thought would be a huge waste of time. Not to mention his busyness stemmed from a prior commitment at church. I happen to find that to be a bit of a turn-on.

So this whole blog is about a meeting that never happened. Exciting, right?! It actually sums up my current dating life quite well. I had to make do with room service and an episode of America’s Next Top Model…how’s that for a fabulous night in New York City. But I was willing to give it a shot and that’s pretty huge for me. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. And no, this does not mean I am taking applications for my next blind date. I still hold the same beliefs for the most part, unless you can show absolute proof that you do in fact resemble J.T.