Saturday, July 5, 2008

72 hours

First of all, I’d just like to say that reading all of the comments people left made my eyes fill with tears but fortunately these tears were far different than the ones that I’ve been experiencing for the last couple days. I know each and every person comes from a place of love, even those whose basic message was to ”suck it up and move forward” in so many words. I have expressed to you how my journey has transpired this year, but this week was in no means an end to a year long journey. So while it is never fully possible to see things through my eyes, please know that I speak from an honest place and that only I can know the true depth of my emotions.

I feel like this may be my end not because I failed, but because I feel as if I am not sure I have more to give. I have done all that I know how to do…not just this year, but for many years…and it’s not clear to me what is left to try. I do believe that there is a plan and a purpose but I also must come to grips with the fact that this specific plan and purpose that I have dedicated my life to may not be the right one. I don’t know that for sure but it is starting to feel like it. There is a chance that what I am supposed to do is find a way to persevere but there is also the possibility that it’s actually time for me to surrender and accept the fact that this was not meant for me. I do not want to look back and have regrets but I also don’t want to feel as if I refused to acknowledge that my calling is somewhere else and I continued to put in unneeded years of sacrifice.

I had told myself long before Thursday that if things didn’t turn out positive in 2008 that I would move on with my life. It was my own deadline that made sense to me in every logical way because it felt like that was the obvious fork in the road. I have truly given this my all for a substantial period of time and while I am proud of myself for that, I also need to feel proud that I am accomplishing something and that my life is moving in a direction that has forward progress. Five years ago I could start from square one and be ok with it, but right now I am finding it hard to see where the motivation will come from. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that though because I don’t want it to seem like I finished my competition and immediately threw in the towel out of frustration. Few people knew that I had made that decision about continuing but it had been made quite some time before this.

My only caveat from this line of thinking is that this year has been far from perfect. It is hard to say that I gave it my all and did all that I could possibly do with the setback I had. It doesn’t excuse my performance in the final but there is a small part of me that wishes I could have had a better preparation and been able to say I was 100%. I still think I was good enough—I won’t go back on that—but it’s probably a stretch to claim to be at your best 6 weeks after knee surgery. But those were my cards and I accept that because everyone has obstacles they overcome.

To be fair to myself and to those who are a big part of my career, I promised to take 72 hours to think it over and make a decision then. For some reason making life changing decisions in between sobs doesn’t sound very rational. I don’t know that it will be exactly that time frame, but I will be sensible and make sure I know that I feel at peace with the direction I’m headed.

27 comments:

Marcel P. said...

Brianna, stay strong and make your decision based on what you feel. Good luck with everything, I love your Blog

Wayne said...

It's obvious that you have the physical gifts. The issue seems to be mental. Here's a suggestion: give it another year and try to purely have fun! You seem to place so much pressure on yourself. Your motto should be: "MAKE IT and KEEP IT simple"! You're not done yet! Be Blessed!

Zzz said...

Dear Bri,
What is this a wake? I understand your disappointment and the struggles you have had to deal with this year. But you are far more than just an athlete. You are a first class woman and you have shown all of us here on your blog what you are made of this year. I became a fan of the person you are not just of your sports career.
Take the time to think about it, but this is not the end, it’s the beginning. There are so many great things ahead for you and as a fan it’s my belief in you as a person that will never wavier. I look forward to the next chapter of the fabulous Miss Brianna Glenn!


South Florida

Anonymous said...

ur awsome and take from me at this moment that whatever you do, u are sensational. i'm biased i think ur best track years are ahead of you and i a agree with the statment above "have fun" i think u have a few 23 foot jumps in ya! ur faster than any female longer jumper in the world--prove me wrong on that one--give it another year i truly believe ur breakthrough will be with the world championships--if not--move on then--and only then--u came in 10th on a bum knee--are you fuckin kidding me?
joep. back in d.c

Exposures of Life said...

Don't think of the negative think of the positive you made it to the trials the top 10 after knee surgery you did your thing and everything happens for a reason...I think you will do great things and no matter what you decide to do just know you always have people that are looking up to you and believing in you! Best wishes!

Track Evangelist said...

Hi Bri, it was great to watch you at the trials. I truly wish you the most success in whatever you decide is best move for you.

Brianna said...

I hope to clarify one thing...I am NOT negative as a person or in regards to my talent. I'm not too sure how many people have tried to make an Olympic team, but pressure is part of the equation. It is inevitable. If people think that somehow not accomplishing this specfic goal would not deeply affect me, then you've somehow missed a whole bunch. I'm sure you can try to equate it to many goals that people make for themselves throughout their lifetime, but in a lot of ways this is different. Perhaps I have not done an adequate job explaining the "how", but it is. I have fun being able to do what I love. I had fun this year. I even enjoyed the Trials until that moment. But I have experienced many types of pain and loss in my life and believe me when I tell you that this ranks right up there. I don't know if that is hard to comprehend, but it's the truth. I realize this is just a "sport" but it also happens to be my livelihood.

Shayne Sterling said...

Bri as I said in my comment on the other post, I'm sure most if not all of us have no idea how your feeling. I still remember when I lost in the regionals in two events to go the Junior Olypmics, and I know the JO's are no comparison.
Just definitely take your time with your decision. People say to live life without regrets but thats damn near impossible as long as those what if's linger in the back of your mind.
Just take your time and make the best decision for you.

Hope you had a good 4th of July too

anonymousnupe said...

Has anyone every told you that you and Torri Edwards could be sisters? Ok, at least first cousins?

Anonymous said...

You are gifted, talented, intelligent, and beautiful both in and out. Pray, rest, and find peace within. Your answers will come.

from athlete to another athlete said...

I know exactly how you feel. You are not only one who raised high and fell in the bottom of your own expectations. I was sick of training and competing, and had an injury for an excuse to quit. However after few months of being "regular person" going to work and hanging out with my friends, I realized its boring, i am missing something... sport is in my blood! I need to rise and fall and rise again! I did surgery and in my first day back on track I realized what I was missing me. This is where I belong. I still work and I still train. It's super hard but I know it's me and I know I can't quit because it's my blood circulation. So that was my comeback. However, if I thought I experienced everything I was very wrong. I had to rise to another level of mental game to handle everything and I am still working on it. I was so ready to qualify for Olympics physically that I had no doubt in it till I stepped on the track and fell. I put so much expectation in it, so much energy and training so it became a work, it became a no fun. I was angry and so so so upset not understanding what is going on. why, why not? At that time my coach advised me to quit since I became an ugly person stepping on the track. It's not just track for us it's us and hearing what you became an ugly person very hurt me. So I had to quit expecting, I had to convince every person around me who kept asking every five minutes if they will see me in Beijing that it is not the end of the world, it is just a big competition and there will be much of them. Competition doesn't define you. You define you every day... I don't know what my story will give you just wanted to share and maybe help.

We all here telling you the same thing just in different words. What we respect you and are proud of you for who you are. Be happy! :)

Gena McMillan said...

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I know none of us understand your emotions to this like you do, but know that we are proud of how far you made it and you did fantastic even if you feel it wasn't 100%.

Anonymous said...

Breeze-
We love you lots... been praying for you constantly. You continue to and will always amaze us. Knowing you since Eastwood days there is so so so much more than you on the track... even though the world is eating your dust!

We love you and are keeping you in our prayers. Lots of love & hugs. xoxo
JFD

Anonymous said...

Continue to be you. Completely Amazing!
More hugs and love!
JFD

Jewells said...

Take the time you need and make the best, most sound, straight- from-your-heart decision as possible.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Glenn, now is not the time to makes career changing decisions. Wait until you are healthy both mentally and physcially. Remember this..."What doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger!"

LSS

Anonymous said...

I have been keeping up with you since I read about you on Jasmine's blog. I see your journey has been a hard road. It is easy for us readers to say just move on. I know you have dedicated your life to this and it has not turned out the way you planned. You can't see it now, but down the road God will use this in your life to encourage someone else. I will pray that you have peace that only He can give......Michelle

Anonymous said...

Damn, Jasmine must have a lot of readers on her blog, and they've all come over to yours.

Anonymous said...

Dear Brianna,

I can't imagine what you must be going through right now and unfortunately, there are truly no words I can offer you for solace, except that I am deeply sorry that things did not work out as you planned. Still, there is a selfish part of me that hopes you won't completely hang up your spikes just yet. When I was academically disqualified from law school, I found your blog. Coincidentally, at the time, when I was experiencing one of the most devastating setbacks in my life, your words encouraged me to continue to fight -- to believe in the invisible dream that nobody else could see. You posts about mental toughness kept me going. I can't tell you how many family members told me to quit, or how many law professors suggested that I give up. But I kept on for the sake of passion, and now I have one more year to go. You might not read this and it might sound cheesy, but please know, you're Olympian in my book, even now. I admire you almost to the same degree that I admire FloJo. So perhaps, take this with a grain of salt, but please don't quit. I think you still have at least one more Olympic Games in you, and if Jackie Joyner-Kersee can win a medal at 34 yrs old with a taped hamstring muscle, I know you can and you will, if you want to.

Anonymous said...

Can I throw up now?

My god! Will you stop crying already! If I have to read one more 'woe is me' blog entry from you, I think I'm going to puke!

So you blew out your knee and tried to come back. Akiba broke her foot and tried to come back. It ain't that easy girly girls! You aren't the first and won't be the last.

Look at all the race horses that are going down! If you are going to be a world class athlete and "abuse" your body as all of you do for many, many years, at some point it is going to break down! Timing is a bitch, life is a bitch, get over it!

For all the morons here who want you to slave away for another 4 years and telling you, you can do it Brianna! Fools! Why in the hell would you want to go through all that misery for another 4 years of training! Go have kids Brianna. You know you want too! Find a good looking white guy with some money, stop dating those broke ass black guys (see your prior blog entry)and raise future Olympians and models! Maybe a professional baseball player or two! I hear the Yankees have a 3'rd baseman who might be available!

Maybe god just likes Brittney, Grace, and Funmi better! Did you ever think of that! Maybe you should get revenge and cut some holes in their shoes! Maybe the world is really flat! Maybe the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy have teamed up against you!

My point? Stop being a little baby and move on already! You had an amazing career and obviously did something right because you have poor anonymous saps like me posting on this dumb ass blog!

You want to know what happened? You blew out your knee a month before and your body just couldn't make the comeback. Sounds like a pretty darn good sequence of events I would be proud to tell my kids!

But of course if you want to wallow in misery like a little girl who's kitten just ran away, second guessing if there really is a Santa Clause, then you go right ahead!

You will find me in the bathroom praying to the porcelain god!

Just don't take too long before you snap the F* out of it because it smells in there! 72 Hours? You already know! Just do it (as they say)! Hey, you can always change your mind in 2 1/2 years but I think you will find a greater happiness with me at McDonalds enjoying a Big Mac! Fries on me! Feel free to Super Size!

Kisses and hugs!

All my best,
Medoblado
www.myspace.com/151729262

Oscar said...

Brianna,

Check out Proverbs 16:1-3. I wish you peace of mind of mind in making your decision, whatever it may be.

What so ever you choose, it is meant to be. I hope you decide to take us on that journey as well because I think, at least I hope I can speak for the regular readers, we are fans of Brianna the person, more than Brianna the athlete.

Laters,
O.

brit_brat said...

Bri, I personally think this Medo guy is mad because we wanted to be my friend on myspace and I rejected him so now he's taking it out on you. Pay him no attention.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what a fucking idiot you are 'Blado.

Mosa said...

much love to you
.mosa

Nikkie T said...

Medoblato, I feel sorry for you... what a sad excuse for a human being you must be.

Los Angelista said...

Wish I could give you a hug, and give that Medoblato person a dose of humanity. Good grief, how can any of us even imagine how you're feeling? You take your time deciding what you want to do. You need more than 72 hours, you take all the time you need. You have so much to be proud of and are so talented in so many ways, so no matter what you decide, you really can't go wrong.

anonymousnupe said...

I was planning on pointing out Medoblado's brilliance for making the statements he/she made and then providing a myspace address. Just think of all the traffic that was diverted to his/her site due to the inflammatory comments left here on Bri's blog. But, seeing as how his/her myspace space is private...he/she appears to be just a another narcissistic fool getting schadenfreude jollies.

On another note, who are we to even have a say in how long you should take to be able to move on? The voyeuristic readers of a novel have no say in what twists and turns the yarn takes. Books don't even have the luxury of offering alternate endings the way DVDs do. So why should our opinion hold any sway here?

Back to Medoblado, maybe the strategy there was simply to make a strong impact in order to help you get over it. If that's the case, you must admit it was a shrewd gambit, and proly had some motivational value, if only to cause you to transform the disappointment in your physical performance for a little while. I must admit, prior to the competition I entertained the thought of publicly predicting that you would not make the Olympic team in order to piss you off and inspire an "I'll show that bastard" attitude. But I thought better of it. I figured I had already been in enough hot water up in here, and nobody would have believed me after the fact when I revealed that it was all just a ploy.