raw.

I feel like I need to write this immediately, because it’s only fair that I share and if I don’t do it now I’m not so sure I’ll ever write it. So even as I sit here and can’t completely see straight because of the endless stream of tears, I still think it’s important for me to try and process what I’m feeling. I’m trying to find the most appropriate word to sum up my feelings and all I can come up with is devastated. But that doesn’t seem to cover it. It’s not enough somehow. But I am that. And more...so much more. Sometimes things affect you to your core and then you feel so incredibly lost, like ”how did that just happen?! And you search and search hoping that somehow it will make sense and ease the pain just a little once you can understand the “why” but I cannot. I really have no answers. Because I was ready…and I can only say that with certainty because I know what it feels like to not be and to fake it. But for some reason it was not to be and that HURTS deep in a place where I’ve rarely felt pain like it.

I gave my all to this and I now must walk away without accomplishing what I set out to do. There has been nothing in my life that I have committed myself to more and what I expected was to be able to leave that competition with the feeling that I did my best. But how can I truly feel like that when I ended up 10th? There is no way I am the 10th best jumper in this country. That is regardless of knee surgery or anything else. On any given day I am capable of more and what I wanted more than anything was to be able to feel as if I did my absolute best. I feel like I committed to that and yet somehow it never transpired. I don’t even know how it happened. I had one jump that was no good and I knew it and then I proceeded to foul the next two jumps and regardless of how far those jumps were, it really doesn’t matter if they don’t count. All of it feels like some incredibly bad dream that isn’t really real and I’ll just wake up and be so grateful that that really didn’t happen but unfortunately this ache in my heart is far too real.

In all honesty, I am so disappointed in myself. And I also feel as if I disappointed so many others. I know that might sound a little crazy because everyone who supported me did so out of love and because they wanted to see me reach my goals, but it’s hard to not feel like I let so many people down. I realize this was my dream but I know that so many people were pulling for me and wanting to see me succeed. As good as that feels to know that people care, it makes it hard when you don’t deliver.

I do know that all things happen for a reason. I still wholeheartedly believe every word that I have written down over the past year and know that in due time I will not feel such emptiness and heartache. Like I said before, each part of my journey is important and it all serves a bigger purpose, even today. I can’t pretend that the pain is not there right now though. I know that this is a turning point in my life and I am pretty sure that my future does not include track anymore so that is a hard thing to fathom. I didn't want to go out like this and I never wanted to see my career end knowing that I never reached my potential. But I am sure that life will bring me something else to be passionate about and I hope that the success I hoped to find in this career will be waiting for me elsewhere.

Even though it is obvious that this was not the ending I planned for, I am still grateful that so many of you took the time to experience the journey with me. It’s hard for me to admit that it’s come to an end far too prematurely, but it has.