I feel like this may be my end not because I failed, but because I feel as if I am not sure I have more to give. I have done all that I know how to do…not just this year, but for many years…and it’s not clear to me what is left to try. I do believe that there is a plan and a purpose but I also must come to grips with the fact that this specific plan and purpose that I have dedicated my life to may not be the right one. I don’t know that for sure but it is starting to feel like it. There is a chance that what I am supposed to do is find a way to persevere but there is also the possibility that it’s actually time for me to surrender and accept the fact that this was not meant for me. I do not want to look back and have regrets but I also don’t want to feel as if I refused to acknowledge that my calling is somewhere else and I continued to put in unneeded years of sacrifice.
I had told myself long before Thursday that if things didn’t turn out positive in 2008 that I would move on with my life. It was my own deadline that made sense to me in every logical way because it felt like that was the obvious fork in the road. I have truly given this my all for a substantial period of time and while I am proud of myself for that, I also need to feel proud that I am accomplishing something and that my life is moving in a direction that has forward progress. Five years ago I could start from square one and be ok with it, but right now I am finding it hard to see where the motivation will come from. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that though because I don’t want it to seem like I finished my competition and immediately threw in the towel out of frustration. Few people knew that I had made that decision about continuing but it had been made quite some time before this.
My only caveat from this line of thinking is that this year has been far from perfect. It is hard to say that I gave it my all and did all that I could possibly do with the setback I had. It doesn’t excuse my performance in the final but there is a small part of me that wishes I could have had a better preparation and been able to say I was 100%. I still think I was good enough—I won’t go back on that—but it’s probably a stretch to claim to be at your best 6 weeks after knee surgery. But those were my cards and I accept that because everyone has obstacles they overcome.
To be fair to myself and to those who are a big part of my career, I promised to take 72 hours to think it over and make a decision then. For some reason making life changing decisions in between sobs doesn’t sound very rational. I don’t know that it will be exactly that time frame, but I will be sensible and make sure I know that I feel at peace with the direction I’m headed.