Erasing the fear

Anyone who knows me knows how shut off I have been in the past when it comes to my career. I have never liked to talk openly about it nor have I ever gone out of my way to share my experiences with others. If you asked me about track you would get one-word answers and that’s about it. This year is obviously a bit different. I have come out of my shell, so to speak, and I feel like I’m sharing up a storm. Obviously this blog has allowed me to put into words some of the things that have always been hard for me to verbally express and I also have spent more time talking with individuals about their own journey and the ups and downs they face. I’ve realized that not only do I have the ability to share in a way that actually helps people and gives a little insight once in a while, but in the process I also help myself. For some reason I never really thought people could relate to me and I also was never comfortable being vulnerable in any kind of way. Over the past few years I had developed way too many insecurities and issues that were hindering me and my ability to succeed and I think that now that I am aware and am doing my best to work through them, it’s going to help me be that much better. I also have learned that many people, especially other athletes, have found or will find themselves in similar places throughout their journey as well. Because I have seen so many peaks and valleys over the years, I feel familiar with just about any road a person could possibly find themselves on. Of course I am still on my way to the highest peaks but I feel like I understand the ups and downs so much better. I have a better perspective now and if I am able to share even a pinch of that with someone else that finds it helpful, then that’s a blessing.

One of the biggest challenges I am still working on overcoming is fear. More importantly, fear of failure. I mentioned this to another young athlete the other day (shout out if you read this blog!) and it totally gave me a déjà vu moment because I knew exactly what she was feeling and I knew exactly why. I have been in that exact place with those same emotions and it took someone pointing it out to me for me to realize that I had become a prisoner of fear. I was so critical of myself and totally focused on results that I completely lost sight of the process. I needed to remember that when you just focus on the process the results should take care of themselves. But I was scared and I couldn’t see that. I know a lot of it stemmed from my confidence not being what it used to and me struggling to gain control somehow but I was definitely going about it the wrong way. Of course I’m not completely cured but I am a lot better than I used to be and it helps being able to explain to others that it’s how you approach the challenges and the struggles that makes a difference in the big picture. I am reminding myself to always try and learn from my disappointments and find a way to turn it into motivation and hopefully I’m teaching others to do the same. A lot of times it’s about stepping out into the unknown and feeling confident that we are prepared and ready for something we’ve never done before. You can’t be afraid to fail or else you will never allow yourself to be great.

I wanted to share the following quote that someone so graciously shared with me a few weeks back. It touched me and hopefully it speaks to you as well…

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, its in ALL of us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, and as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

Caucasion Persuasion

Yes, I could have compiled a list of ALL men that I find attractive. But that didn't seem as fun. Plus, I was inspired. I just got back from the movies and I saw stop-loss. I did enjoy the movie but I enjoyed the eye candy it provided even more. (see #1) Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is my caucasion persuasion list. I'm an equal opportunist. Sure, in real life it may not seem that way but I promise you that if any of these gentleman found their way into my life, I would not complain.



10. Matthew Mconaughey: I think it's the smirk of a smile that gets me. And why do people keep complaining that he always has his shirt off? This is a good thing, people! Sure, he can get a little scruffy at times but he cleans up nice and that's what matters.


9. Jude Law: Who doesn't love a man with an accent? I think I was won over after I saw the Holiday. He proved a man could be sensitive without being a sissy.


8. My crush on Andy Roddick began a while ago. He got double points for being a stud athlete and triple points when I read in an article that his celebrity crush was Gabrielle Union. It gave me hope! But then I saw him a few months ago in New York and he was intoxicated and all over the "other" models so his stock dropped just a bit.


7. Adrian Grenier: This past summer I got hooked on Entourage and subsequently hooked on Adrian. He has a coolness about him that just works. And those eyes...


6. Brad Pitt: I almost left Brad off the list because he's gotten so much attention over the years that he's almost a bit played out. But then I thought...what's a sexy white guy list without Brad??? So here he is, and you must admit he does hold his own.


5. Prison Break guy(wenstell or something): I have never watched a single episode of Prison Break which makes it even more significant that this man came to my mind still. He's hot. And covered in tattoos he's even hotter.
EDIT: It turns out mr. prison break is just as much white as I am...and just as much black. However I am leaving him up because he looks white and regardless, he's cute whether he's white or black or whatever. I will however, put up a replacement that is the following...


EDIT...
#5. Jason Lewis: . In light of the startling information that the above yumminess doesn't actually belong on this particular list, I am editing my post to include this new bit of eye candy that previously escaped my memory but who I wholeheartedly agree should be here. Samantha sure hit the jackpot with this one.



4. Justin Timberlake: You might have been a little weary being a J.T. fan back in the days of N'sync, but now it is totally acceptable. What is sexier than a sexy guy that sings? He said it first--I'm bringing sexy back. Yes, Justin. Yes you are.


3. Gabriel Aubrey: Halle new exactly what she was doing. If that kid doesn't surpass all categories of beauty that exist it will shock the world. Many thanks to Halle for putting him on the radar, but I also must say that I believe he's even cuter because she's on his arm. P.S. Doesn't it look like him and Jason Lewis could be brothers?


2. David Beckham: I can still remember the day I was introduced to the Becks. I watched the movie Bend it like Beckham and I was instantly hooked. Not only is he an amazing athlete, he is amazingly good looking and that makes for one AMAZING combination. Once he came to the Galaxy I made sure to attend my first soccer game ever.


1. Channing Tatum a.k.a. my future husband: I am convinced that I will see every sequel there could possibly be to the movie Step Up because of this man. Even if he only has a cameo for 2.5 seconds, it would be worth it. It's not only his good looks, he just seems to have this swagger and I LOVE it. This man could be purple and I'd still go crazy over him. Do you see that body? Do you see those lips? He rocks my world.


So that's my list. I totally just made it up off the top of my head as I was writing this so let me know if you think I missed someone that definitely should have been included or if you absolutely think I've lost my mind for including someone who doesn't even make you look twice.

Stella might be on to something

I’ve never been a “younger man” type of person. The way I see it, men are immature enough as it is. Why in the world would you want to pick one off the tree before it’s all the way ripe? Of course, this is all based on my own age at the time being the basis for what is the appropriate ripeness. If I’m 21 then 40 is a little too ripe and 18 is not quite ripe enough. But the age I am now, which by the way will be changing in just a couple weeks, is at a crossroads. I’m grown-up enough that the more mature adults don’t seem “old” to me anymore and because of my profession, I’m still very much connected to the younger generation. Men included.

So if I wanted to have a crush on someone and they happened to be born in 1983, that shouldn’t be a problem, right? At the end of the day, if they are old enough to order a beer (Budweiser, of course), and aren’t collecting social security any time soon, then I suppose it’s still possible to be able to relate. At least I’m hoping so because I’ll tell you what, there are some cute 24 year olds out there. And they look grown. And they are out of school long enough to act grown enough. And correct me if I’m wrong, but 24 is the age where your body is pretty much at it’s finest. So I think that perhaps I’ll keep that age as my bottom limit. I guess my ceiling will change accordingly, slowly accepting more mature applicants as I move forward in life. But right now…I’m thinking that Stella had the right idea.

What do y'all think? Is age "nuthin' but a number" or is there something more to it? I kind of think that men are a lot more open when it comes to what they consider age appropriate but that might be a whole other can of worms. :)

Thanks Everyone!

Ok, so I must admit that I received more participation then I thought I would and some of you are some pretty inquisitive(read: nosey) people. :) Overall, I hope that those of you who took the time to ask questions and get to know me a little better found that you like me better and not any less. I'm sure that I will take the time to expand on some of the topics in the future and give them there own little blog post because some things are way more in depth than I can get into in just a few sentences. Although I will say that I did give pretty thorough answers if I do say so myself. Thank God I decided to do that blog on my day off! If anybody ever has a topic that they think would be absolutely fantastic for me to write about don't ever hesitate to suggest it. I write for me but every once in a while I can write for you too.

HOT SEAT!

So, here's the deal...

It seems like nobody is really interested in me baring my soul and sharing all my deepest feelings and emotions. (see below). Of course I will still continue to write about all things that I feel compelled to share and deem worthy, but I thought I would take this post a slightly different route. Many of the readers of this blog know me personally but there are others that do not. I know this because I have way more visitors per day then I have friends and family and even though I know my sister is bored at home and checks my blog 20-30 times daily, there are still some of you out there who know me simply from what you’ve read on here. And I worry that as you lay in bed at night before going to sleep, your mind is brimming with questions you are dying to ask me. So here is your chance. Ask me anything. What my most memorable moment in track and field is…How I like my steak cooked…What brand of toothpaste I’m currently using…What music I listen to before I compete…Who I consider a role model…The best date I’ve ever had…

Ladies and Gentlemen, the possibilities are endless. Of course there will be a very immediate end if nobody asks anything. Try not to give me something too complex, otherwise I might just hold off and make it it’s own blog post. This is all in good fun and is open to anybody and everybody. You don’t have to be a member to leave a comment on my blog…you don’t even have to have a name. Anonymous works just fine if you’re not comfortable with your God given one.

The Secret to Success

I’ve had a fair amount of success over the years but I think it’s pretty obvious that this year I’m looking for more. Way more. And since that’s the case, it would make sense that something different needs to be done. Or at least something extra. There’s a saying: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.” This year I’m not looking for any repeat performances. With that mindset, I’ve approached this season with a slightly different game plan than before. It’s all about growth. I have done a lot of work trying to learn from the past and trying to give myself the best opportunity to be successful. I have matured so much as a person and as an athlete over the years and all of it has added up to put me where I stand today and how I am dealing with this season. I’ve been knocked down but I haven’t been knocked out so I know the athlete I am today is much stronger than ever before. That strength comes not so much in a physical sense, but in the mental aspect of this sport that plays such a huge role and which I believe makes all the difference in the world.

This year will be my third trip to the Olympic Trials. Each time has been such a different and unique experience. Back in 2000 I had just finished my sophomore year in college and I went to the Olympic Trials for the experience. In my mind I had no legitimate shot at actually making the team but I knew that four years later I would and I wanted the opportunity to see what it was like and to do have a sort of dress rehearsal. The biggest thing for me that year was that I had jumped the A standard for the Olympics in the Long Jump so I was able to get my own room at the official meet hotel and that made me feel like a big deal. I was stoked. The whole experience was a bit surreal and I remember being in the finals and thinking to myself how neat it was that I was being introduced next to Marion Jones and Jackie Joyner-Kersee. It was the point in my career that solidified the idea of my own desire to become a professional in this sport. Fast-forward four years and I’m back in Sacramento with a real goal in mind. I want to make the team and I believe that I can. During the past four years I had won an NCAA title and a U.S. title in the Long Jump so I now felt like I belonged. Even if that particular season had been less than stellar I knew that the only meet that truly mattered was the Trials and if I could make it all come together on that particular day, I would be elated. Well on that particular day I fouled all 3 jumps in the final.

You could say that that was an unfortunate situation and I had extremely bad luck on that day, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I didn’t perform and I basically chocked. If I didn’t admit that then, I definitely do now. I had a lot of mental issues I was dealing with that year and they definitely affected the way I was able to approach that competition and how I rose to the occasion. (Or failed to.) You cannot be a champion until you see yourself as one and that was not what I was able to do. I was still in the mode of “hoping” to be a champion. And once I fouled my first jump I “hoped” that I wouldn’t foul the second one…and then the third. So basically I gave my brain the instruction to foul. I’ve spent the last four years trying to regroup and get myself to the proper place so that this time around, in 2008, I am not there for the experience and I am not there to hope. In a lot of ways I thought I had made the breakthrough last year but evidently there was still a few pieces of the puzzle missing.

What I truly believe is that at this level of competition, the difference in talent at the highest level is almost negligible. I’m not saying that there aren’t some who may be more naturally gifted than others, but I don’t believe that is what determines who earns a spot to the Games. I trust in my talent and I trust the training that I’m doing to make sure that physically I am ready to do what needs to be done come the end of June. But what comes with that is the mental edge that allows you to rise to the occasion and become the champion you know you are. I am working on perfecting that because that is what I know will make the difference. For me it has become something I need to practice and actually work at. I read books, I do exercises…I do all the little things off the track that will make a difference when I get on it. I know that the mental aspect of this sport isn’t a new phenomenon, but I am finally realizing the true impact it can have and how much it has hindered me in the past. I’m not going to let that happen this time around.

Black Enough: A debate

I’m sure everybody has heard all about the Obama ordeal and his crazy former pastor. First of all, I’d like to say that if you happen to have missed the speech in its entirety, please go see it for yourself. Do not simply listen to the pundits and see it from the point of view of Bill O’reilly or Rush Limbaugh. Do not catch a phrase here or there as it flashes up on the screen as this person or that person weighs in. Do not read an overview in the paper or a few key quotes that are highlighted on MSN when you open your browser. Do not get the “gist” of it from your friend over the phone. It’s not the same and you will simply miss it. Not only will you probably completely miss the point and his real response to all that has happened, you will miss the message. And the message my dear friends, is an important one. This is not a political blog and I am not a fiercely political person but I believe that this speech is important to hear far beyond the relation it has to the specific incident that spurred it.

But like I said, this is not a political blog so lets move on to what caught my attention while watching this speech and somehow make this post about ME! During the speech Obama reiterated something that has, and will continue to be, an issue that he as a black man will continue to face as a presidential hopeful. ”To some I’m not black enough, and to others I’m too black.” I am always stupefied by this. The notion of “too black” or “not black enough.” If Goldilocks could stop by and point out to me the juuuust right black person, it would be extremely helpful. Because then I would at least have a measuring stick and I could go around myself holding it up to folks and making a judgment call. I’m pretty sure my sister would need to come up with about 40% more blackness to be acceptable. (I kid, I kid.)

I’m mixed. I know it seems like they might have gotten carried away with the chocolate syrup when they were pouring it in the milk, but you can thank my Dad for that. Well, that and the Arizona sun. I have never in my life claimed to have it hard because I’m bi-racial. I am not extra confused or totally unable to identify with this or that group. I’ve simply identified with whatever was around and if that meant I was a fan of New Kids of the Block instead of New Edition, so be it. I say “like” a lot. And “totally”. And sometimes I put one in front of the other and I like totally sound…. Like Brianna I guess. I’m not really worried about it. But other people are and that is just so weird to me.

I will admit I don’t know how to dance that well. But I do run really fast because of that extra muscle I have. And I like sweet potato pie. I’ve even tried to convert all of my non-black friends and family members. I finally read Roots a couple summers ago so I never again will foolishly ask who Chicken George is. I do sometimes wash my hair every day and I don’t mind jumping in a pool, BUT if I straighten it, I try and make it through 4 whole days. It could be longer if I ever learned how to wrap it properly but you know...moms could never teach me herself. And yes I know I don’t have the traditional “apple bottom” but I continue to squat really heavy so that I can get the most out of it. I go to a predominantly Black church now, but I never used to. There would just be a guy with a guitar and a few people singing into mikes and everybody else would kind of whisper sing and sometimes clap if it was appropriate. You would be out in an hour and a half--tops. It was cool but I prefer gospel choirs.

So what do you say, am I "black enough"? And before people start really answering and telling me that yes, I do in fact pass their blackness test, that is not the real question of the debate. I am moreso interested in people's thoughts on the whole idea that society is concerned about how certain people measure up to this obscure measuring tape. What exactly is considered 'enough', who is judging, and when will we not care...or something insightful like that.