The X-effect

Lately I’ve been finding myself gravitating towards those of the opposite sex that I’ve had previous relationships with. We aren’t always necessarily reconnecting in a romantic sense, but there is interaction nonetheless. On some level I suppose it’s possible for there to be truly platonic friendships between a man and a woman, but I am highly skeptical if those can occur between two people who have previously been in a relationship. So what’s the point? Shoot, I don’t know. I suppose that’s why I’m rambling about it on here because it’s hard for me to truly discount people who have been a significant part of my life at some time. It’s easy to have selective memory after some time passes and to look at people with a keen remembrance of what made them so fantastic and easily forget all the things that annoyed you to no end. And is it not easier to find comfort in something you already know rather than continually be met with disappointment after disappointment when you wander into the unknown?!

So I’m just wondering…how many people out there find success when they go with what they already know. Do people really fundamentally change (or do you)? I need to know if it is all a waste of time or if you can really find hope in the ashes. I’m all in to being green these days and so maybe this applies to men as well. Recycle – Reduce – Reuse.

Moving Forward

The last few months have been challenging to say the least. I tried my best to stay patient and to not panic, and for the most part I feel as if I succeeded quite well. I felt like I was facing the biggest decision in my life to date and I had zero inclination as to what the right move was. On a daily basis people would ask what I planned on doing, and while they might have thought that my non-committal answers were my way of not really wanting to share my decision quite yet, it was simply because I had no answer to share. None at all. My brain was about as empty as Paris Hilton’s on test day. All I could do was continue to pray that my next step would be presented to me. I knew there was a plan; I just didn’t have any idea as to when I was going to be clued in to what it might be. I just wanted to be open, and ready, and willing. If it was time for me to move on, I was definitely ok with that. In fact I thought that is what it must be because I knew I wasn’t feeling that fire…that passion to train and push yourself to the limit, that desire to continue to give my everything to be the best that I could possibly be. I know that is the only way you continue in this sport because without it you sell yourself entirely too short. Talent is one thing, but it’s not what gets the job done.

So I continued to be patient. Of course that didn’t mean sitting on my butt all day every day twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the answer to appear to me in my oatmeal at breakfast. I was somewhat proactive. I would search job sites, look into going back to school to get my masters so my knowledge would seem relevant, drive around Beverly Hills and try to find a sugar daddy nice young man to marry, check and see if Bill Gates was adopting any full grown children…you know, the usual. But nothing was really catching hold. And then I heard that a coach I had been trying to work with since back in 2004 might be hired down at the Olympic Training Center. In my opinion he’s one of the greatest coaches in the world and from our talks in previous years I know he doesn’t think I’m too shabby myself. So I asked him and found out it was true. But I knew that getting accepted at the Center was a long shot because of my age and my non-performance in 2008. After the less than stellar performance at the Games by Track and Field, the criteria were that much harder to get into the program. But now that I had talked to him I began to feel the fire lighting back up. I didn’t want to train just to train, but if I could train with him at a place where virtually everything is set up for success and we have access to the best of everything, it seemed like to good of an option to not consider. So I applied and despite my best efforts to not get my hopes up I started to picture what a great opportunity this could be and got excited in spite of myself. Luckily my excitement was not in vain.

I got accepted into the program because even at my age, they still see potential and think I’m worth investing in. I can live, eat, and train here and I get the opportunity to train with an amazing group of athletes with the support of a sports medicine team, sports psychologists, strength trainers, nutritionists, bio mechanists, and an amazing coaching staff, just to name a few. It is an amazing opportunity and I intend to make the most of it. I cannot tell you with certainty that this is what I’m supposed to be doing, but I feel like these were the doors that were opened for a reason. In my heart I truly felt like I was done. And that goes beyond the hurt and frustration I felt because of the circumstances of this past year. I honestly felt like it wasn’t there anymore. But today when I arrived down in Chula Vista, I know that I am feeling more enthusiastic and inspired than I have in a long time. I still plan on using my spare time to figure out some other things in my life both for income’s sake and for realizing that my life after track could begin at any time and I need to be prepared for that and start figuring out what that’s going to be. But for right now I’m still an athlete--and a proud one at that.

missed

Today one of my very best friends, the girl who I have lived under the same roof with for the last few months, the one who has been my #1 road dog for the last 10 years, the person I feel most comfortable sharing anything and everything with, is moving away to Japan. This makes me incredibly sad. It is sad for her sake because she will be in a foreign land where she doesn’t know the language and away from her friends and family for two whole years, but also sad for myself for my own somewhat selfish reasons. I want her here, where she can be just a short drive away and an integral part of my life on a daily basis. I want to be able to get her opinion on what shoes go best with my outfit before I go out on a date. I want us to be able to go shopping and convince each other how that jacket is an essential piece of our wardrobe even after we promised not to buy anything else. I want her to be able to know what I’m thinking before I even say it. I want that friend who never tires of taking pictures of ourselves. I want to be able to see her face when we share gossip because there is nobody on earth who will give you more of a reaction when you are looking for it.


Nikkie has been my friend before she even knew it. Ten years ago when I went on my recruiting visit to the University of Arizona, a school I didn’t even think I had any interest in going to, I was struck by how at home I felt and how I seemed to fit in. And part of that was because of her. Nikkie was one of my hosts and I immediately was drawn to her. I could see myself at that school, as part of that team, and as her friend. I’m sure this is true for all people that meet her because she has this undeniable quality about her that makes you want to be around her, that draws you in and makes you love her. So for the past ten years I have loved her. Through all the escapades in college, through finding ourselves as young women, through transitioning into the next phases of our lives…through everything. If I tried to relive all the memories I have created with her, I could fill volumes.

But perhaps the most telling part of our friendship is how close we are now. Now that she is a wife and mother of two with dinner to prepare, diapers to change, and a house to take care of, and I am…me. Our lives, ones that had at one point been so similar, took two different paths and sometimes it’s not easy maintaining friendships when the roads you are on no longer mirror each other. But ours has maintained and flourished. And I also grew to love her family. Her husband isn’t just my friend’s husband, he is my friend. And her kids? I honestly didn’t think I had it in me. Usually I tolerate kids from a distance but I’ve grown to adore hers. I am legitimately sad that they won’t be around to show me things, to wear my heels, and to steal my phone.



I wrote this post because I am not good at goodbyes in person. Last night when I should have told her how grateful I am and how much I’m going to miss her and how much her friendship means to me, I could only manage to mumble a few incoherent words before the lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything else. And perhaps that sounds a little drastic because I know she will be back in a few years (hopefully to the west coast), but it’s hard not to feel like I’m losing a little piece of myself. So even though you are probably 30,000 feet in the air right now, trying to avoid the stares of people who have no idea what it is like to travel with two small children, I wanted to express how much you mean to me. You make me want to be a better friend and you’ve shown me how to one day be an excellent wife and mother. Thank you for being you, for opening up your heart and your home, and for always leading by example. Japan will be great for you because I know you always make the best out of any situation. They are lucky to have you.



P.S. Nikkie just started her own blog to document her time spent in Japan and what's going on with her family, so if you are one of my friends who knows her, or you can just tell how fabulous she is by how I spoke of her, check it out HERE. Leave her a comment or two...that kind of stuff makes her happy. :)

Picture of the Week: Road Trip!

This weekend, I hopped into the convertible with my BFF and made my way down to Phoenix Arizona, for some quality friend time and to go see the Alicia Keys concert. I realize that there are some of you who are quite tired of me living the socialite life, albeit the poor man’s version, but I still choose to share it because I feel incredibly blessed to be able to do exciting things and have the opportunity to spend time with the people I love. I do promise though that my life will soon be exhibiting a bit more structure and I will be back to routines and responsibilities in no time. But in the meantime, I will enjoy my youth and the fact that I have just myself to please.

Bianca and I heading out onto the open highway.



Bianca showing off all her hard work after an afteroon at the mall in Scottsdale.



Us at the concert...of course since we took it ourselves you can't even tell that we are at a concert, nor can you see the fabulous outfits we had on. Oh well.



The amazing Ms. Keys doing her thing. It really was a great concert and we had fabulous seats so that made it even better!




I know this picture is hard to see, but Alicia sang a duet with one of her backup singers and I have developed the biggest crush on him. I don't know if he's single or if he's straight, but Jermaine, if you are out there....call me.

More Brain

This post is going to be fairly short, due to the fact that this is not in any way a political blog nor am I adept at talking politics in a manner in which I feel thoroughly confident outside of passionate discussions with my closest friends or harassing my mother. All I know is that I’m excited. So excited that I read articles every day, I look at various clips and videos that get passed along to me, I watch the news channels—even Fox when I feel like I need a bit of a jolt, and I just finished the following book…



I just wish everyone would read it. Of course if you already love the guy then it probably just reaffirms what you already feel. But if you’re undecided it gives insight outside of the craziness going on right now and all the spin etc., and if you are not an Obama supporter, then perhaps you just read it in the event that he is your president for the next four years and you don’t know as much about him as you’d like to. Because I read his first book and liked it, but I read this book and loved him. And not because I agree with everything he says; I don’t. I think that I am fairly conservative even though my political views are more liberal than my personal ones. But I just got so much out of this book and I feel that so many others would as well, regardless of party affiliation.

About a week or so ago I was reading this book flying home from Mexico and the flight attendant saw it and said in broken English, “I like”, while pointing at the cover. And I nodded my head and agreed with him and told him that I liked him as well. And then he said, “He has, how do you say,… more brain."

I couldn’t agree more.

fed up

I have been on zero worthwhile dates lately. And by zero I mean negative seven. Seriously, it is that bad. And as you may have noticed, I really don’t talk too much about my dating life on this here blog so for me to mention anything says a lot. For starters, it says that I don’t too much care what anyone may think who just might happen to stumble across it. Because of the fact that I am not an anonymous blogger and I realize that many people I know may read my blog, I try and limit the amount of personal information involving the opposite sex both for their sake and mine. It happens all too often when I just assume people aren’t reading and then one day a simple reference slips into the conversation. And with dating, or almost dating, or hopefully dating soon, you don’t ever want to show all your cards and let the other person know just exactly what you are thinking and you also don’t always need to put other people’s business on front street just because you choose to put your own out there. But right now I am at my limit because there is just no reason that one person should be made to put up with such ridiculousness. And perhaps I will stop short of naming names or divulging any significant details to fully call out the perpetrators, but I thought I would at least let you in on where my mood is at right now. Now mind you, this is a build up of emotions that have merely been heightened since I’ve been back in California. I figured that being back here would at least widen my options and put me back in the swing of things but I might as well be living in Alaska for all the good it’s done me.

I have learned, in my old age, that there really is no reason to put up with behavior that shows any hints of a lack of respect. I need people to respect my time, I need for them to not play games, I need for their actions to follow their words, and I need for them to grow up. I have learned, thankfully, that there is no need to make excuses for actions that are not in line with the characteristics I am looking for in the man of my dreams. And while I realize that every man I date will more than likely not be the man of my dreams, I know better than to spend time with those I am already positive are not. You teach people how to treat you. And I might not know much, but I understand more and more how I deserve to be treated. It is no secret that I think highly of myself and have high expectations, but I assure you I’m no crazy lady. It amazes me what people think they can get away with and what they think will be excused.

So yes, I’ve been single for quite some time. And from the looks of it, it seems like my situation will not be changing any time soon. Understand that this is not something that causes me too much uneasiness. There are plenty of times I like my single status and I don’t go out of my way to change it. If a good guy comes along…then great. But if not, I simply continue to love life and be grateful that I have such wonderful friends and exciting hobbies. I’m not lonely or desperate and it doesn’t make me anxious when people continually ask why I’m single. I’m single simply because I’m not in a relationship. I’m not in a relationship because I don’t settle. I don’t settle because I don’t have to. When people give me less than their best I simply say “thanks, but no thanks”. I just know I’m worth more than that half-hearted attempt at decency. I am far better off not wasting my time with people who don’t deserve it and right now NOBODY is showing me that they deserve it. Yes, that means YOU(just in case you might be reading this).


END RANT.

Ten Years Later...

THEN...











High school was a great time for me. I had an amazing group of friends and we made the most of the four years spent together, making memories that would last a lifetime. To say we were involved might very well be the understatement of the century. The six of us had a hand in virtually everything that went on in that school. If there was something to be president of, captain of, member of, or queen of, we were all over it. The Bomb Squad, our self-appointed moniker, was a force to be reckoned with. We made our way onto the Senior lists being voted Ms. LMHS, best athlete, best body, most original, most likely to be famous, and most resourceful. And while those inconsequential titles don’t mean much after graduation day, it’s funny to see just how closely most of us have maintained those same attributes that were evident back then.

But here is the great part. I am immensely proud of all the things the ladies I grew up with have accomplished and the beautiful women they have become, but it brings me greater joy to be able to have had the opportunity to experience it all first hand. I can go listen to my best friend speak to hundreds of captivated women, I can turn on the T.V. and see her singing and dancing her heart out, I can watch the Olympics and see her rule the world, I can see her grow a business through sheer will and determination...all of it is inspiring but it's tenfold because it is happening to my favorite people in the world. These ladies have become my family. And while it’s often true that the friendships you have in high school drift apart over the years as people change and grow in opposite directions, we have all become cornerstone’s in each other’s lives. We became best friends in high school and as we have matured as individuals, our friendship has grown as well.

Last week the five of us got together for lunch and marveled at where all the time has gone. This past weekend was our 10 year high school reunion and while we all have done many amazing things in this span of time since high school, it still blows my mind that it’s been ten years since prom, since cheering at football games, since dressing up for spirit days, since first loves and first heartbreaks, since the beginning of friendships that will most surely last a lifetime.

There are many times when I sit back in wonder at what we’ve all become and just how grown we really are. We don’t seem grown. At least not to me. Sure, among us there are a couple of husbands, a kid, prosperous businesses, gold medals, singing careers, passports with a million stamps on them, etc. But get us together in the same room and it feels like just us. The us from back in the day at La Mirada High School. The us from the hundreds of pictures I have overflowing out of my photo albums. This same group of girls who sat together in the quad and dreamed about their successful futures are the same women that I look at now living out their dreams. So while reunions are a nice way to see those who helped shape your high school years, I am lucky enough to have those who shaped mine the most in my life on a consistent basis to remind me of who I am and to help me to always strive to be better.


NOW...