Across the Atlantic

I’m in Europe right now. Crazy…I know. Someone forgot to tell me that moping around and being depressed doesn’t pay the bills. And as much as I am on bitter terms with my career right now, it happens to be the only job I have for the immediate future. This is what my agent quickly reminded me of when I tried to get out of the few meets I had lined up for after Trials. It was also his way of making sure I didn’t make any rash decisions about my future. He thought he was being sneaky but I saw right through it! It is probably for the best though because if I hadn’t gotten on the plane I would be somewhere in the Caribbean right now changing my name to Stella and surviving off of drinks that have little umbrellas as my sole source of nutrition.

I also find that it is easier to be around other athletes right now. The truth of the matter is there really are only 3 people per event that had the Trials turn out as they’d hoped for and are ecstatic about the outcome. That leaves a whole lot of other folks feeling a bit down in the dumps and misery loves company. Nobody is looking at me feeling sorry and not knowing what they should really say because they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves! Not that I don’t appreciate all the support and compassion that I have received during this last week…I truly do. But it took me a good four days to even listen to my voicemail messages and even then I didn’t really call anybody back. (sorry for that!)

So here I am back at work for the next couple of weeks. I could not commit to any longer but for right now it was the best decision. I’m not that caught up in the competitions themselves and I’d be lying if I said I felt extremely motivated about running right now but it is nice to go and compete without any pressure. I haven’t run a race all season so it definitely could be interesting. I will keep you updated….maybe.

Thank You!

This post is an important one. I know I have been down in spirit lately but it would be impossible for me to not to realize that in spite of my own feelings of disappointment, I am incredibly blessed and thankful. I have heard people make many a comment about how easy it is to thank God etc, in times of achievement and triumph, but it’s easy to forget to show gratitude and appreciation when we are not granted what we ask for exactly when we ask for it. I want to make sure it is obvious where my heart is and also just to say publicly that there are many people I owe so much to and am eternally grateful to.

First and foremost…

*GOD: I have tried to make a conscious effort in the last couple of years to thank the man above no matter what the actual outcome of a performance is. It is no secret how upsetting this week was for me, but I thank him anyway. First of all, I was there. I know people think I don’t realize that or take it for granted, but I really don’t. It was because he gave me such an inner strength this year that I have not really possessed in quite some time that I even believed it was possible. I am a tough cookie. There are always lessons in defeat and I know this is no different.

*COACH: I moved back to Arizona for one reason only, and it wasn’t for the lovely summer weather. I know that my coach hurt with me on this one and was probably only slightly less disappointed than I was. I appreciate the dedication you have given me to try and achieve this dream. It means so much and regardless of the outcome I am glad that I spent this year with you.

*FRIENDS AND FAMILY: I owe an extra special thank you to the Updegraff family for what they have done for me this year. Nikkie you are one of my dearest friends and I am so lucky that you have inherited a family that treats me as their own. Marcus…you’re the greatest! My family and friends that made it to Eugene…words can’t express how happy I was to have you there. And the other friends and family…I am absolutely positive of the fact that I was given the best the world has to offer. You know my journey better than anyone and you have continued to offer me the most support and love I could ever dream of.

*THE WONDERFUL RANDOM PEOPLE I DON’T EVEN KNOW: I believe you have come into my life for a reason. Sometimes I open an email or read a comment on here and I am simply dumbfounded by the genuine words that truly come from the heart and are sometimes the exact thing I need to hear. I know that sounds overly mushy and whatnot but it’s the truth and I am so very thankful to be a small part of your thoughts and included in your prayers.


I also like to thank most of you for bearing with me right now. I realize that most of my posting has been incredibly dismal but this is me in the truest sense and I don’t feel the need to sensor anything or be cheerful and bright when that is not authentic. I realize I might write something and have a different spin a few days later but this is my journal and I just write how I feel at that particular moment. It might not make sense to all of you how depressing this could be or how devastated I feel, but it is nothing if not real. I also would like to mention that what I am doing for the time being is just thinking. Thinking…and praying. 72 hours didn’t really produce any light bulb moments and I understand that it really didn’t need to.

72 hours

First of all, I’d just like to say that reading all of the comments people left made my eyes fill with tears but fortunately these tears were far different than the ones that I’ve been experiencing for the last couple days. I know each and every person comes from a place of love, even those whose basic message was to ”suck it up and move forward” in so many words. I have expressed to you how my journey has transpired this year, but this week was in no means an end to a year long journey. So while it is never fully possible to see things through my eyes, please know that I speak from an honest place and that only I can know the true depth of my emotions.

I feel like this may be my end not because I failed, but because I feel as if I am not sure I have more to give. I have done all that I know how to do…not just this year, but for many years…and it’s not clear to me what is left to try. I do believe that there is a plan and a purpose but I also must come to grips with the fact that this specific plan and purpose that I have dedicated my life to may not be the right one. I don’t know that for sure but it is starting to feel like it. There is a chance that what I am supposed to do is find a way to persevere but there is also the possibility that it’s actually time for me to surrender and accept the fact that this was not meant for me. I do not want to look back and have regrets but I also don’t want to feel as if I refused to acknowledge that my calling is somewhere else and I continued to put in unneeded years of sacrifice.

I had told myself long before Thursday that if things didn’t turn out positive in 2008 that I would move on with my life. It was my own deadline that made sense to me in every logical way because it felt like that was the obvious fork in the road. I have truly given this my all for a substantial period of time and while I am proud of myself for that, I also need to feel proud that I am accomplishing something and that my life is moving in a direction that has forward progress. Five years ago I could start from square one and be ok with it, but right now I am finding it hard to see where the motivation will come from. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that though because I don’t want it to seem like I finished my competition and immediately threw in the towel out of frustration. Few people knew that I had made that decision about continuing but it had been made quite some time before this.

My only caveat from this line of thinking is that this year has been far from perfect. It is hard to say that I gave it my all and did all that I could possibly do with the setback I had. It doesn’t excuse my performance in the final but there is a small part of me that wishes I could have had a better preparation and been able to say I was 100%. I still think I was good enough—I won’t go back on that—but it’s probably a stretch to claim to be at your best 6 weeks after knee surgery. But those were my cards and I accept that because everyone has obstacles they overcome.

To be fair to myself and to those who are a big part of my career, I promised to take 72 hours to think it over and make a decision then. For some reason making life changing decisions in between sobs doesn’t sound very rational. I don’t know that it will be exactly that time frame, but I will be sensible and make sure I know that I feel at peace with the direction I’m headed.

raw.

I feel like I need to write this immediately, because it’s only fair that I share and if I don’t do it now I’m not so sure I’ll ever write it. So even as I sit here and can’t completely see straight because of the endless stream of tears, I still think it’s important for me to try and process what I’m feeling. I’m trying to find the most appropriate word to sum up my feelings and all I can come up with is devastated. But that doesn’t seem to cover it. It’s not enough somehow. But I am that. And more...so much more. Sometimes things affect you to your core and then you feel so incredibly lost, like ”how did that just happen?! And you search and search hoping that somehow it will make sense and ease the pain just a little once you can understand the “why” but I cannot. I really have no answers. Because I was ready…and I can only say that with certainty because I know what it feels like to not be and to fake it. But for some reason it was not to be and that HURTS deep in a place where I’ve rarely felt pain like it.

I gave my all to this and I now must walk away without accomplishing what I set out to do. There has been nothing in my life that I have committed myself to more and what I expected was to be able to leave that competition with the feeling that I did my best. But how can I truly feel like that when I ended up 10th? There is no way I am the 10th best jumper in this country. That is regardless of knee surgery or anything else. On any given day I am capable of more and what I wanted more than anything was to be able to feel as if I did my absolute best. I feel like I committed to that and yet somehow it never transpired. I don’t even know how it happened. I had one jump that was no good and I knew it and then I proceeded to foul the next two jumps and regardless of how far those jumps were, it really doesn’t matter if they don’t count. All of it feels like some incredibly bad dream that isn’t really real and I’ll just wake up and be so grateful that that really didn’t happen but unfortunately this ache in my heart is far too real.

In all honesty, I am so disappointed in myself. And I also feel as if I disappointed so many others. I know that might sound a little crazy because everyone who supported me did so out of love and because they wanted to see me reach my goals, but it’s hard to not feel like I let so many people down. I realize this was my dream but I know that so many people were pulling for me and wanting to see me succeed. As good as that feels to know that people care, it makes it hard when you don’t deliver.

I do know that all things happen for a reason. I still wholeheartedly believe every word that I have written down over the past year and know that in due time I will not feel such emptiness and heartache. Like I said before, each part of my journey is important and it all serves a bigger purpose, even today. I can’t pretend that the pain is not there right now though. I know that this is a turning point in my life and I am pretty sure that my future does not include track anymore so that is a hard thing to fathom. I didn't want to go out like this and I never wanted to see my career end knowing that I never reached my potential. But I am sure that life will bring me something else to be passionate about and I hope that the success I hoped to find in this career will be waiting for me elsewhere.

Even though it is obvious that this was not the ending I planned for, I am still grateful that so many of you took the time to experience the journey with me. It’s hard for me to admit that it’s come to an end far too prematurely, but it has.

prayers, prayers, and more prayers.

I am about ready to walk out the door soon and I just want to encourage everyone who checks this blog in the next couple of hours to continue to pray for me. It's probably something that doesn't need a reminder but I know how uplifting your prayers have been and I am beyond grateful that you continue to remember me. I'd like to promise you that you can catch me on T.V. tonight but with field events it's always a hit and miss. Regardless, I begin at 7:20 pm and I am ready to go.

EAT AT BRI'S...DUST SERVED DAILY. :)

(inside joke)

Enjoying my Journey

I have just spent the last few hours reading over my entire blog…well the track related parts at least. I will offer it up as suggested reading for those of you who have not been with me from the beginning and have absolutely nothing to do for the next four hours. Why pay for remarkable literature when you can get it for free!

I started this whole blog as a way to share and as a way to process this year in the best way possible. Last year at Nationals I kept a detailed journal about my experience and then posted it on my Myspace page as a peek into what the experience was like and then I figured…why not let everyone peek in for the whole Olympic year?! So here we are, 8 months later with the Finals of the Long Jump less than 24 hours away. I’m glad I have it here—the year in review if you will. Not only does it show what I’ve been through, it shows how I’ve grown. By sharing, I was able to appreciate and understand so much more about myself and gain a whole new perspective.

From the moment I decided that the Olympics was a goal of mine, I have been on an incredible journey. It has been only recently however, that I have even begun to see the journey for what it is and to appreciate it on it’s own. I remember thinking to myself for the very first time that I wanted to be an Olympian and believing I could actually do it. The path I had set out in my mind ended up playing out very differently however and has forced me to accept all that is out of my control. I remember 2004, when I sat in my room after my event was over and asked myself if I had 4 more years in me to give this another shot. And I remember my answer. That answer has determined the path of my life in so many ways over the past four years. I can recall the many times when I had to talk myself back into believing I could actually do it and if I still wanted to do it…when things got so rough for me that I thought perhaps this wasn’t something I was meant to do or that maybe my life would be easier if I gave up this particular dream. And then the moments that followed when I then convinced myself that I was not going to be defeated. I have been reminded numerous times why it is that I have grown to love this sport and have stayed motivated by the belief that my gifts were given to me for a purpose. I remember vividly all the sacrifices I have made along the way and can boldly say without question that as I stand today, they were all worth it.

This is my journey. I am thankful that I have had the opportunities I’ve been blessed with that has brought me to this moment and this specific point in time that would not have been possible without all the ups and downs. Each and every part of it was for a purpose. In my head I had created a path to the top that was a straight shot and instead I was given the scenic route filled with detours and obstacles I never imagined. But I see the person that I have become—not just the athlete, but also the person—and I know that I am better for it. I believe in my heart that today will be special. But more importantly, I know that the journey has been extraordinary.

Speechless???

I know you probably thought I would have a whole lot to say these last couple of days...but I don't. Actually I think it's a case of having too many thoughts in my brain that they all get jumbled up and I have trouble forming any type of coherent message. I have started a couple of blogs...and then stopped. It's kind of like emotion overload...I feel so much that I almost don't feel anything at all. It's not in a bad way necessarily but I am trying not to overanalyze everything and create this immense pressure for myself because of how much tomorrow means to me. I want to embrace it and be totally in the moment and while it is most definitely a defining moment in my life, I don't want it to define me. I don't know if that makes so much sense but it's as if I have worked so hard for this and put my everything into it that I really want that to mean something...the process of it all. That doesn't make the outcome any less important of course. Anyway, I am in the process of formulating a better thought process to it all and actually putting words to it but in the meantime I just wanted to say hello and continue to thank you for all of your messages and prayers. I have a bit of recovery work to do today and some video to watch but after that I plan on spending some quiet time with my thoughts and if you're lucky they will make it to the blog some time later today!

These last two days are rest days so the athletes aren't doing much except hanging out and trying not to go stir crazy. Eugene is not the hotspot for many types of entertainment so there really isn't much to do. Yesterday we all attended this seminar that taught us about the customs and greetings in China and I went to the movies. Overall an exciting day!