That's my metephor for life right now.
I feel as if I'm laying down on the bench with this tremendous weight above my head and I'm just holding it up there because I can already tell that it's too much for me to lift. If I lower it down at this point and time it will crush me. I know it's heavy. i can feel it. And right now while it's at arms distance I feel like I can manage by just holding it there. So that's what I'm doing. I'm holding it up and taking deep breaths, all while trying to figure out a way to keep it from crushing me. Sooner or later I know I'm going to have to deal with it. But right now it's a matter of whether or not it comes crashing down or I somehow find the strength to lower it down on my own and then push it back up and off of me. I need to tap in to a strength that I don't know if I have or not.
I am a strong person, both physically and emotionally. But we all have our limits. And I hate failing. I hate when I feel like something has got the best of me. After that day in the weight room I knew that next time I maxed out I would not fail at that same weight. I'd work hard to get stronger because I believed I should be lifting more than that. I suppose this will be the same way. Maybe it gets the best of me and maybe I'm not able to handle it, but after it's over I will find a way to be stronger the next time around.
I have my spotters. Even though they can't make the hurt go away or stop the pain from coming, the people that truly do love and care about me will do what they can to help. I'm grateful for at least that because my arms are trembling and I don't know how much longer I can hold this up...